I know its been a while since I’ve written. Its been 7 weeks of non smoking and I have now finished all three my projects that needed to be presented last week and which took up a lot of my time and energy, but the studies need to be completed (personal goal). Its tough trying to work and study at the same time and then try live life – but its not un - achievable and I do believe its all about your attitude as to how you deal with life in general!
Ive been looking for my cup and in the process found that I am actually the cup! Does that make any sense? Let me explain:
I recently read an article by Dr Robert Anthony where he posed this analogy:
People living in scarcity and struggle see the cup as half empty
People who are positive thinkers see the cup as half full
People who understand their true connection to the source energy see the cup as overflowing
People who live in the flow and in alignment know they are the cup
I looked at how I have been for quite some time now, delving into myself through coaching sessions, therapy and self study. I think I have gone through all these stages at some point but when I look at the way I am as a person, I think I am the cup.
I think I’ve have taken my meditation to the next level where I am now visualizing increasingly clearer with every session. I visualize through the day and I manifest what I want verbally and vocally to the universe. I give thanks all the time. Thanks for the things that have happened through the day and thanks for having so many wonderful people in my life. I think we all really do have so much to be thankful for; just take a minute to think about it and you will soon see how much there is too say thanks for.
I look at what Ive lost - and I do mean in the materialistic way - and realize that I cant take it with me once I pass on and become energy in the universe. It would’ve frightened me in the past to have worked so hard all my life and now, through my own doing, land up living with 3 suite cases, in a rented place and actually being happier with myself than I have been in a long time. IT no longer does. I feel the love the universe is giving me and I feel the acceptance of who I am and what I am and I feel that I no longer fight against it.
I feel like a better person as I realize I can be a receiver in life and not just a giver. I can listen and not talk. I can give and not have to receive. I can be a contradiction to myself and be ok with it. You see I realize I have found myself again. It seems like I had forgotten who I really was and perhaps that’s why I always felt like life was a struggle. My greatness is not dependant on what I accomplish. I am great, you are great, we are all great; we are all unique creatures and that in itself makes us all great!
I am the cup because I am receiving things every day from the universe, from friends, from my love, from my family, from unknown strangers I cross paths with on the street.
The more I can hold, the more I can contribute to others thirst.
my pics
True happiness shared!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Choosing happiness
I have been doing well for a while now. My emotions are feeling stronger and I have still not smoked in over 3 weeks. Out of the blue I have a sensitive day. Out of the blue someone close to me does something very unselfish and it makes me cry. Out of the blue someone closer still starts to feel flat and boy oh boy, does it make me hit the bottom of the pit!
I went to bed tonight sobbing. Sobbing because I realize there is so much in life that I am unable to do anything about. Sobbing because what I want I can’t seem to have, because realistically, it’s not in my hands to take but rather in someone else’s to give. It hurts. It hurts because I want to be able to take the pain away from others and carry it with me, so that they don’t have to carry it. I know I can’t as that’s not how life is designed to be lived and we all have our own burdens to carry, be it emotional or physical pain. I know I am carrying a lot of emotional pain, because of things I am to blame for in the past, and I wonder – is there ever a time that you get over the emotional pain or does it just become part of your blueprint as a person in the future? All I know is that right now I feel so empty inside.
I think I realized tonight that I need to choose happiness. Only I can make myself happy. I am to answer for my mistakes and I am to answer for my joy. I speak daily to the universe to help me and I give thanks on a daily basis for what the universe has giving me. My words are what shape my future – by vocalizing what I want, the universe is and has given it to me. Do I need to be more careful in what I am asking for, I think not – but I do believe that I need to perhaps think about how I ask, for what I ask, as there are many ways to say something and there are many ways that that something could be understood.
And I think the understanding comes from the mood I am in. So I need to choose happiness. I need to choose what my heart and my mind and my soul all want - happiness. I have always been a happy person, and I have been responsible for that happiness all by myself. Am I now projecting my insecurities on others who in turn are now holding back on their emotions creating an unhappiness that we don’t really want?
I think I need to choose my words more carefully and choose my actions to match. Why is there this mismatch in what I say and what I do sometimes? Or is there? Those comments that I make everyday - should be positive, filled with optimism and put a smile on your face because I believe it will become infectious. This way we can all be happy in our own way, in our own lives, and on our own paths. This way we could all be saying positive things to one another and building on a brighter happier present and future. This way we train our unconscious minds to think and do positive happy things without us even thinking about what we are doing.
But we have to be aware of it first and train ourselves to do this every day and every moment in every action, word and response we make. Once our subconscious mind is set to do all this we will undoubtedly be in a happier space and our manifestations to the universe will align more to what we want and with whom we want to be.
So I’m choosing happiness.
I aim to make my life happy so that I can spread the love, the joy and the happiness that is inside me – and show it to you and you and you. I can live a better life. I can achieve my goals. I need to choose my words carefully spreading positive messages and I need to keep smiling – it’s very difficult to think negatively when you are smiling.
I believe in my heart soul and mind that things can and will get better. I need to stop the sobbing and I need to be more positive and supportive and get over myself.
I choose happiness.
I went to bed tonight sobbing. Sobbing because I realize there is so much in life that I am unable to do anything about. Sobbing because what I want I can’t seem to have, because realistically, it’s not in my hands to take but rather in someone else’s to give. It hurts. It hurts because I want to be able to take the pain away from others and carry it with me, so that they don’t have to carry it. I know I can’t as that’s not how life is designed to be lived and we all have our own burdens to carry, be it emotional or physical pain. I know I am carrying a lot of emotional pain, because of things I am to blame for in the past, and I wonder – is there ever a time that you get over the emotional pain or does it just become part of your blueprint as a person in the future? All I know is that right now I feel so empty inside.
I think I realized tonight that I need to choose happiness. Only I can make myself happy. I am to answer for my mistakes and I am to answer for my joy. I speak daily to the universe to help me and I give thanks on a daily basis for what the universe has giving me. My words are what shape my future – by vocalizing what I want, the universe is and has given it to me. Do I need to be more careful in what I am asking for, I think not – but I do believe that I need to perhaps think about how I ask, for what I ask, as there are many ways to say something and there are many ways that that something could be understood.
And I think the understanding comes from the mood I am in. So I need to choose happiness. I need to choose what my heart and my mind and my soul all want - happiness. I have always been a happy person, and I have been responsible for that happiness all by myself. Am I now projecting my insecurities on others who in turn are now holding back on their emotions creating an unhappiness that we don’t really want?
I think I need to choose my words more carefully and choose my actions to match. Why is there this mismatch in what I say and what I do sometimes? Or is there? Those comments that I make everyday - should be positive, filled with optimism and put a smile on your face because I believe it will become infectious. This way we can all be happy in our own way, in our own lives, and on our own paths. This way we could all be saying positive things to one another and building on a brighter happier present and future. This way we train our unconscious minds to think and do positive happy things without us even thinking about what we are doing.
But we have to be aware of it first and train ourselves to do this every day and every moment in every action, word and response we make. Once our subconscious mind is set to do all this we will undoubtedly be in a happier space and our manifestations to the universe will align more to what we want and with whom we want to be.
So I’m choosing happiness.
I aim to make my life happy so that I can spread the love, the joy and the happiness that is inside me – and show it to you and you and you. I can live a better life. I can achieve my goals. I need to choose my words carefully spreading positive messages and I need to keep smiling – it’s very difficult to think negatively when you are smiling.
I believe in my heart soul and mind that things can and will get better. I need to stop the sobbing and I need to be more positive and supportive and get over myself.
I choose happiness.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Waiting
I was asked recently why it is I am not blogging everyday as I had people waiting to see how I was doing and what I was going through. Nice to know that there are people out there waiting for me, but it got me thinking about the “waiting” that we all do in our lives.
Are we all just waiting to die?
Everything we do in life seems to revolve around waiting for something or other. We wait in traffic to get to work; we work and wait for a tea-break then lunch break then tea break so that we can go home. At home we wait for the kettle to boil while we start preparing dinner and then we wait to watch out favorite TV show and then off to bed. Sometimes we even wait to sleep. We even wait to hear what’s going on in others lives…
Since my return, I have been busy, not waiting for anything to happen except taking the bull by the horns and making things happen – all within my own means. I am self employed and with the fact that I’ve been away for more than half of July, I had to get my butt into gear to try making some sort of income. I am also in the process of studying and I have 3 projects due 17th August as well as working on my portfolio career, as you have all heard me mention previously. These include my life coaching and on occasions my photography, not huge income streams but most definitely things I have a passion for, enjoy and able to make a few bucks from at the same time. Then fitting in the normal things in my life, like going to the gym, cooking, cleaning, and scouting for new clients…
I’ve given this so much thought this week. Do I have a clear cut answer as to what the answer is– I’m not too sure because I don’t know if I am waiting for anything at all. I’m not too sure because as much as I know I do stress about not having a financial backing to support me in times of financial hardships like I feel I am in at the moment, I also find that I am not unhappy now as to when this happened to me previously. Does this make any sense at all? Are we all just waiting for a paycheck at the end of the day in some form or another and is this why we are waiting?
What I do know is that I am writing the blog when I am able to put my thoughts and emotions on paper. I have been writing everyday as I normally do, working on my own pages, writing my own feelings and looking at how to continue improving my life for a great future, and in a lot of instances I place these pages on the blog. What I have been waiting for which I think has now arrived, is the realization that I have changed and I have grown. A friend recently emailed me and commented that it’s the first time in a few years that he sees I am starting to get my strength back through the way I am dealing with my life, my emotions and my ambitions. He says he’s waited a long time to see me get my strength back again and it made him smile to see that the wait was worth it. Very encouraging words to me those.
What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for? What are we all waiting for?
I’m sure it’s not just about dying but rather about someone taking note of who we are what we are doing and where we are going.
I wasn’t waiting to hear my friends encouraging words but I must admit his encouragement has made me feel like the wait to start realizing my progress is all so worth it because of those few words written in an email by him.
So, are we all just waiting for some form of recognition?
Wait…
Are we all just waiting to die?
Everything we do in life seems to revolve around waiting for something or other. We wait in traffic to get to work; we work and wait for a tea-break then lunch break then tea break so that we can go home. At home we wait for the kettle to boil while we start preparing dinner and then we wait to watch out favorite TV show and then off to bed. Sometimes we even wait to sleep. We even wait to hear what’s going on in others lives…
Since my return, I have been busy, not waiting for anything to happen except taking the bull by the horns and making things happen – all within my own means. I am self employed and with the fact that I’ve been away for more than half of July, I had to get my butt into gear to try making some sort of income. I am also in the process of studying and I have 3 projects due 17th August as well as working on my portfolio career, as you have all heard me mention previously. These include my life coaching and on occasions my photography, not huge income streams but most definitely things I have a passion for, enjoy and able to make a few bucks from at the same time. Then fitting in the normal things in my life, like going to the gym, cooking, cleaning, and scouting for new clients…
I’ve given this so much thought this week. Do I have a clear cut answer as to what the answer is– I’m not too sure because I don’t know if I am waiting for anything at all. I’m not too sure because as much as I know I do stress about not having a financial backing to support me in times of financial hardships like I feel I am in at the moment, I also find that I am not unhappy now as to when this happened to me previously. Does this make any sense at all? Are we all just waiting for a paycheck at the end of the day in some form or another and is this why we are waiting?
What I do know is that I am writing the blog when I am able to put my thoughts and emotions on paper. I have been writing everyday as I normally do, working on my own pages, writing my own feelings and looking at how to continue improving my life for a great future, and in a lot of instances I place these pages on the blog. What I have been waiting for which I think has now arrived, is the realization that I have changed and I have grown. A friend recently emailed me and commented that it’s the first time in a few years that he sees I am starting to get my strength back through the way I am dealing with my life, my emotions and my ambitions. He says he’s waited a long time to see me get my strength back again and it made him smile to see that the wait was worth it. Very encouraging words to me those.
What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for? What are we all waiting for?
I’m sure it’s not just about dying but rather about someone taking note of who we are what we are doing and where we are going.
I wasn’t waiting to hear my friends encouraging words but I must admit his encouragement has made me feel like the wait to start realizing my progress is all so worth it because of those few words written in an email by him.
So, are we all just waiting for some form of recognition?
Wait…
Saturday, July 31, 2010
INVICTUS
I found this poem to be so apt - and wanted to share it with you all:
About the poet - William Ernest Henley (August 23, 1849 - July 11, 1903) was a British poet, critic and editor.
INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
About the poet - William Ernest Henley (August 23, 1849 - July 11, 1903) was a British poet, critic and editor.
INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Love thyself
Aligning myself with the possibilities that are available to me ahead is in itself a great motivating factor. A week of adjusting to a new life is something that seems like such a short time and not really possible to do, but I think that the rough patch of “clearing out” over the past few months has made the transition a little quicker and easier.
I have friends and I have love in my life and I am realizing that I have fantastic memories to look back on. New memories are now in the making and new possibilities are available to everyone. My vibration levels are picking up and with that the possibilities of new manifestations are making everything seem so much clearer again in my life. Its about the energy levels that are recharged, re-motivated, re – re – re- re …..
Its still a shaky feeling but the shakiness seems to be getting better as I sleep better and have clearer concepts developing in my mind. I am able to visualize again and with that so much becomes clearer for a fantastic life of possibility and a life filled with love, friendships, family and desire. I have hope again, and I have desire to build a bright future for myself and my love.
Ive come to realize that friendship is what drives most of us. It’s the connection we have between me and you, you and me, and in all aspects we and humanity. We are all really social creatures and its that interaction between us that makes friendship lasting and enduring - although not all friendships last for a full life time. Friendship is what drives us to happiness and in reality can turn into love and even into family. In this period of turmoil I realize how lucky I am to have not only love but also friendships that are not like ships passing in the night unnoticed, unheard, or unseen; friendships that show no favor to choosing sides, but rather to be supportive of all of us as individuals. Friendships that support your decisions and encourage you to follow your own path because its these friendships that truly want for you to be happy in your core. It’s a blessing to have these friendships and I am blessed.
Ive not written everyday as Ive not really had the inclination to do so. Its been a week of adjustments and within those adjustments Ive had to work, study and basically acclimatize myself to the magnificent new life ahead of me. I have to look at all the motivating factors that push me forward and I have to be grateful to myself, to you, to the universe, to my friends, to my family, to everyone. Its not just a honeymoon phase of bliss, but a deeply felt and deeply ‘known’ sense of positivity and strength.
Somehow we are all motivating each other even if at times it does not seem to be so. Motivation comes from so many different arenas and comes in so many disguises I’ve realized. I’ve realized this through the silent motivation I felt when a friend told me this week that I was his ‘person’ that he looked up to. Here I felt that I was being a bit of a mess coming to terms with all the emotional turmoil after years of suppressing it only to find that the actions Ive taken have been an encouragement to others.
Some have called me human some have called me strong. What I do know is that Im feeling happiness inside that gives me a light that I feel shinning through my soul. I am human and I am strong. I am also real; what Ive come to realize is that facing the reality is what makes me human and is what makes me strong. There’s been a lot of hurt and there’s been a lot of growth but these lessons, both hurt and growth have obviously come when the universe felt that I was ready to deal with them. As I said earlier, my vibrations are picking up and my manifestations are becoming clearer. I know what to ask for and I know what I want.
Today makes it 14 days as a non smoker; with its own turmoil’s, its own hills to climb and its own elephants to eat. Lots of encouragement from people all around me and lots of support – but I must say its starting to make me feel different again. I don’t smell the stench on my clothes, on my breath and even on my sweat. My mouth feels like it is clean.
I believe in giving thanks. I give thanks every day and I encourage you all to do the same. Be grateful for the small mercies in life and celebrate the big ones. We cant take anything with us, so enjoy it to the max in the here and now.
Love yourself.
Now
I have friends and I have love in my life and I am realizing that I have fantastic memories to look back on. New memories are now in the making and new possibilities are available to everyone. My vibration levels are picking up and with that the possibilities of new manifestations are making everything seem so much clearer again in my life. Its about the energy levels that are recharged, re-motivated, re – re – re- re …..
Its still a shaky feeling but the shakiness seems to be getting better as I sleep better and have clearer concepts developing in my mind. I am able to visualize again and with that so much becomes clearer for a fantastic life of possibility and a life filled with love, friendships, family and desire. I have hope again, and I have desire to build a bright future for myself and my love.
Ive come to realize that friendship is what drives most of us. It’s the connection we have between me and you, you and me, and in all aspects we and humanity. We are all really social creatures and its that interaction between us that makes friendship lasting and enduring - although not all friendships last for a full life time. Friendship is what drives us to happiness and in reality can turn into love and even into family. In this period of turmoil I realize how lucky I am to have not only love but also friendships that are not like ships passing in the night unnoticed, unheard, or unseen; friendships that show no favor to choosing sides, but rather to be supportive of all of us as individuals. Friendships that support your decisions and encourage you to follow your own path because its these friendships that truly want for you to be happy in your core. It’s a blessing to have these friendships and I am blessed.
Ive not written everyday as Ive not really had the inclination to do so. Its been a week of adjustments and within those adjustments Ive had to work, study and basically acclimatize myself to the magnificent new life ahead of me. I have to look at all the motivating factors that push me forward and I have to be grateful to myself, to you, to the universe, to my friends, to my family, to everyone. Its not just a honeymoon phase of bliss, but a deeply felt and deeply ‘known’ sense of positivity and strength.
Somehow we are all motivating each other even if at times it does not seem to be so. Motivation comes from so many different arenas and comes in so many disguises I’ve realized. I’ve realized this through the silent motivation I felt when a friend told me this week that I was his ‘person’ that he looked up to. Here I felt that I was being a bit of a mess coming to terms with all the emotional turmoil after years of suppressing it only to find that the actions Ive taken have been an encouragement to others.
Some have called me human some have called me strong. What I do know is that Im feeling happiness inside that gives me a light that I feel shinning through my soul. I am human and I am strong. I am also real; what Ive come to realize is that facing the reality is what makes me human and is what makes me strong. There’s been a lot of hurt and there’s been a lot of growth but these lessons, both hurt and growth have obviously come when the universe felt that I was ready to deal with them. As I said earlier, my vibrations are picking up and my manifestations are becoming clearer. I know what to ask for and I know what I want.
Today makes it 14 days as a non smoker; with its own turmoil’s, its own hills to climb and its own elephants to eat. Lots of encouragement from people all around me and lots of support – but I must say its starting to make me feel different again. I don’t smell the stench on my clothes, on my breath and even on my sweat. My mouth feels like it is clean.
I believe in giving thanks. I give thanks every day and I encourage you all to do the same. Be grateful for the small mercies in life and celebrate the big ones. We cant take anything with us, so enjoy it to the max in the here and now.
Love yourself.
Now
Monday, July 19, 2010
A new beginning
On shaky ground I arrived in Cape Town. Shaky because so much that I have taken for granted for so long turned out to be something that I was only suppressing for just as long a period. Shaky is not a bad place to be, because I think it heightens the senses to other things that are surrounding you and making you aware of what the possibilities are, ahead.
I started with my body and my diet. The next thing on that list of mine was to become a Non Smoker; not a quitter (negative connotations that I’m trying to stay away from in all aspects) and not an ex smoker – a Non Smoker. I’m taking one bight at a time, one day at a time and albeit on shaky ground I know that someone has taken a leap of faith for me, and that is a very special sense of confidence to be placed in when I am feeling so shaky.
It’s a world of possibilities ahead now and I am going to make it work. I need to listen, not speak so much. I need to continue nurturing and not just doing because I feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, but because it makes me feel good and it makes others feel good. I feel my vibrations are starting to be clear vibrations and I think that this clarity is also helping me manifest in a better way. I feel like my intuition is helping me manifest in the right way and I think the meditation process is also making me calm my mind. My energy levels will pick up and my vibrations will improve. I go back to the saying, there are none so blind as those who do not see; I am starting to see again - and I have faith.
As with all new beginnings I think - better said - I know I will make mistakes. It’s like the process of a new born trying to touch everything discovering the senses that they elicit when touching for the first time. That same baby that starts to crawl, then stand, then walks and then runs. Each process is a shaky one and each process has countless amounts of falls before perfecting the process and moving on.
There is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and of course I most certainly feel that I have love all the way. It’s the love that gives me the strength to proceed and motivate me to succeed on this journey of mine. I am coming to terms with all the emotions that I’ve been going through and I am aware of the mess ups as well as the advances that I have made. I’m most certainly not proud of all the steps that I’ve been through but mostly they now seem to be inevitable to the way the universe is leading me.
I am grateful for the past that I have shared. I would not want to change it as I would be a different person writing if that were the case. I want to cherish those memories and look back on a past with a smile and a warm happiness in my heart. We have to move on, but move on with a good feeling, once all this turmoil has settled.
Its now time for new beginnings, new memories and new happiness’s on a journey that will make us all happy to be crossing each other’s paths along the way. Lets us give thanks for those special memories that we did have the time to share and lets look forward to the amazing possibilities that lie ahead for each and every one of us.
Let’s celebrate new beginnings together.
I started with my body and my diet. The next thing on that list of mine was to become a Non Smoker; not a quitter (negative connotations that I’m trying to stay away from in all aspects) and not an ex smoker – a Non Smoker. I’m taking one bight at a time, one day at a time and albeit on shaky ground I know that someone has taken a leap of faith for me, and that is a very special sense of confidence to be placed in when I am feeling so shaky.
It’s a world of possibilities ahead now and I am going to make it work. I need to listen, not speak so much. I need to continue nurturing and not just doing because I feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, but because it makes me feel good and it makes others feel good. I feel my vibrations are starting to be clear vibrations and I think that this clarity is also helping me manifest in a better way. I feel like my intuition is helping me manifest in the right way and I think the meditation process is also making me calm my mind. My energy levels will pick up and my vibrations will improve. I go back to the saying, there are none so blind as those who do not see; I am starting to see again - and I have faith.
As with all new beginnings I think - better said - I know I will make mistakes. It’s like the process of a new born trying to touch everything discovering the senses that they elicit when touching for the first time. That same baby that starts to crawl, then stand, then walks and then runs. Each process is a shaky one and each process has countless amounts of falls before perfecting the process and moving on.
There is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and of course I most certainly feel that I have love all the way. It’s the love that gives me the strength to proceed and motivate me to succeed on this journey of mine. I am coming to terms with all the emotions that I’ve been going through and I am aware of the mess ups as well as the advances that I have made. I’m most certainly not proud of all the steps that I’ve been through but mostly they now seem to be inevitable to the way the universe is leading me.
I am grateful for the past that I have shared. I would not want to change it as I would be a different person writing if that were the case. I want to cherish those memories and look back on a past with a smile and a warm happiness in my heart. We have to move on, but move on with a good feeling, once all this turmoil has settled.
Its now time for new beginnings, new memories and new happiness’s on a journey that will make us all happy to be crossing each other’s paths along the way. Lets us give thanks for those special memories that we did have the time to share and lets look forward to the amazing possibilities that lie ahead for each and every one of us.
Let’s celebrate new beginnings together.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Where to from here?
The openness and freeing of emotional turmoil leaves us all drained, exhausted and tired. Why is there a need to get things out into the open and why do I not just bottle it up and keep it to myself? Would I grow as a person and would I be able to be a full man by keeping all these emotions bottled up as I have for so long? I seem to be going back to the drawing board again as to how to plot my journey forward – but I do know that I want one that is true to who I am and true to the journey that I have taken.
It’s been very hard to face my own faults, holding that mirror up in the process to see what the true colour of my eyes really are. The sad and heart wrenching thing is that in the process others get hurt, and that is exactly what I did not want – but I do realize that being loved ones they want me to grown and improve, no matter how hard they themselves are hurting.
I just feel like an absolute demon making others feel like this.
My fears of facing myself and the areas in my life that need to be cleaned up are not getting easier to handle. The fears I can deal with I suppose, it’s the realization that every turn I make I land up hurting another loved one. I said the other day that there are so many facets of love, but we are all loved and we are all hurt in life while others make the changes necessary to their lives. I just sometimes wish life could be more simplified – not so many analysts analyzing so much of what we do and say, or react and do. What happened to the good old days when a psychologist was something you went to only if you seriously needed help. Then the therapist became fashionable, and I am one that believes now, that everyone should have their own therapist to deal with the rush that happens in our everyday lives.
I still feel terrible; my emotions are freeing themselves up and others are getting hurt. So I ask myself, is it all worth it?
Where do I go from here, after all the emotions are dissected, machine washed, hand rinsed and tumbled, and I land up sitting on my bed knowing that its been long overdue, yet still I feel like the recognition of my mistakes and my failures, have not been grasped by others. Only time can prove that I have learnt and that I am learning.
It’s a tough life but I’m trying to make it better. I head back to Cape Town today, single, heart sore but still not smoking after 7 days! The only thing I feel that I can be proud of myself for right now.
It’s been very hard to face my own faults, holding that mirror up in the process to see what the true colour of my eyes really are. The sad and heart wrenching thing is that in the process others get hurt, and that is exactly what I did not want – but I do realize that being loved ones they want me to grown and improve, no matter how hard they themselves are hurting.
I just feel like an absolute demon making others feel like this.
My fears of facing myself and the areas in my life that need to be cleaned up are not getting easier to handle. The fears I can deal with I suppose, it’s the realization that every turn I make I land up hurting another loved one. I said the other day that there are so many facets of love, but we are all loved and we are all hurt in life while others make the changes necessary to their lives. I just sometimes wish life could be more simplified – not so many analysts analyzing so much of what we do and say, or react and do. What happened to the good old days when a psychologist was something you went to only if you seriously needed help. Then the therapist became fashionable, and I am one that believes now, that everyone should have their own therapist to deal with the rush that happens in our everyday lives.
I still feel terrible; my emotions are freeing themselves up and others are getting hurt. So I ask myself, is it all worth it?
Where do I go from here, after all the emotions are dissected, machine washed, hand rinsed and tumbled, and I land up sitting on my bed knowing that its been long overdue, yet still I feel like the recognition of my mistakes and my failures, have not been grasped by others. Only time can prove that I have learnt and that I am learning.
It’s a tough life but I’m trying to make it better. I head back to Cape Town today, single, heart sore but still not smoking after 7 days! The only thing I feel that I can be proud of myself for right now.
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