The openness and freeing of emotional turmoil leaves us all drained, exhausted and tired. Why is there a need to get things out into the open and why do I not just bottle it up and keep it to myself? Would I grow as a person and would I be able to be a full man by keeping all these emotions bottled up as I have for so long? I seem to be going back to the drawing board again as to how to plot my journey forward – but I do know that I want one that is true to who I am and true to the journey that I have taken.
It’s been very hard to face my own faults, holding that mirror up in the process to see what the true colour of my eyes really are. The sad and heart wrenching thing is that in the process others get hurt, and that is exactly what I did not want – but I do realize that being loved ones they want me to grown and improve, no matter how hard they themselves are hurting.
I just feel like an absolute demon making others feel like this.
My fears of facing myself and the areas in my life that need to be cleaned up are not getting easier to handle. The fears I can deal with I suppose, it’s the realization that every turn I make I land up hurting another loved one. I said the other day that there are so many facets of love, but we are all loved and we are all hurt in life while others make the changes necessary to their lives. I just sometimes wish life could be more simplified – not so many analysts analyzing so much of what we do and say, or react and do. What happened to the good old days when a psychologist was something you went to only if you seriously needed help. Then the therapist became fashionable, and I am one that believes now, that everyone should have their own therapist to deal with the rush that happens in our everyday lives.
I still feel terrible; my emotions are freeing themselves up and others are getting hurt. So I ask myself, is it all worth it?
Where do I go from here, after all the emotions are dissected, machine washed, hand rinsed and tumbled, and I land up sitting on my bed knowing that its been long overdue, yet still I feel like the recognition of my mistakes and my failures, have not been grasped by others. Only time can prove that I have learnt and that I am learning.
It’s a tough life but I’m trying to make it better. I head back to Cape Town today, single, heart sore but still not smoking after 7 days! The only thing I feel that I can be proud of myself for right now.
Its amazing how things that have happened in the past sculpt you and affect the person you are today. How your upbringing makes you the person you are. How losing a parent when you are young makes you want to be more protective of others and worry more, how it makes you grow up so much faster, how it makes you lose faith in everything you were told to believe in. How being betrayed by a lover makes you more cautious and aware.
ReplyDeleteTo be as raw as you are, is normal, I hope you can find it in you to really trust another again, and to be scared that somehow this will destroy all of your relationship. You seem to start to wonder if this is why the relationships have failed?
You are very strong and proud person I hope, to be unhappy with how things have turned out for you when it comes to relationships is making you one scared person. Don't become paranoid and insecure. This is not how you want things to be.
Your scared and are acting out because of your insecurities and trust issues. I suppose in your own way, you are shielding yourself from having to go through all of that again
Nothing in life is ever a given or predictable. They say youll never know what could be untill you try. But on the other hand its also said to never test the water with both feet... So go, put your one foot in now...
Charles,
Have a safe trip to back to a cold Cape Town,
Hi M,
ReplyDeleteWell done on the 7/8 days of non-smoking.
You asked were do you go from here, you have the key to that answer, and only you.
So long as you have leant the lessons, etc dont worry that others have no grasped this.
This is your journey, and I am sure lessons have being learnt by all, not just you.
Take care and hope you had a safe trip.
R