The mirror effect

Its been a hell of a weekend emotionally. I was prepared for talks, I was prepared to stand my ground and I was prepared to come clean. In a flash it was augmented at just how much I needed to do it and even with my mental preparations, the tears flowed freely.

A very good friend emailed me last night to ask me why I did not confront it 5 months ago when I was faced with it. My response was fear. I realized this morning that 5 months ago I had not even begun to know that I needed a mirror. I never had the tools and I was in denial to myself about whom it is I really am. In 5 months I see that I have grown; perhaps not as much as I would like because my impatience with myself is something that I am dealing with on a different level in my psyche. But in 5 months I have started coming to terms with everything I have done and all the work I need to do to move forward.

I started with my body and I started with my diet. These were the two things that I knew I could deal with and could feel good about as I would see a physical difference and we all need a little recognition when we have a purpose. 3 months ago I snapped and 3 months ago I found the mirror and 3 months ago I started with the basic tools that many have already when they are in their teens. I cant blame anyone for who I am today, except myself, but I do realize that I have been emotionally stunted because of the emotionless upbringing that I had. It was a sink or swim situation and my survival technique kicked in and I swam, to stay alive. I didn’t have the time to worry about emotions.

As I sit here I realize how much I could have missed if the realities had not come crashing down on me like a landslide in a rocky mountainous region. I am the one to blame and I am the one that needs to fix it up. Perhaps its too late in certain areas – time will tell, but I can only try. I am coming to terms with my emotions and I am burying my fear of facing those emotions. I go back to my loves’ saying of – there are none so blind as those who do not see. My vision has been impaired for a while, although it wasn’t always, so now I sit here and I start letting the tears roll so that I can clear my vision again and look on at myself with new eyes, new hopes, new aspirations, perhaps it’s the mirror that I’ve cleaned up with my tears as well.

I feel exceptionally fragile and drained right now but I feel lighter and like I have found my first building block towards my future. As I sit here I sit here in all realities as a single man who now has a stepping stone to take a leap of faith forward and find the next stones that I can step with as I move along. The most encouraging thing is that I know I am not alone. The worst thing is that I have also somehow pulled a muscle in my gluteus and I am battling to sit normally. It is funny really, but sore.

I have love in my life and I have support from the most special people in my life. The mirror has shown me this weekend that the cleansing of the soul is the seed to creating and growing of the love I need for myself.

I’ve made a solid promise to myself to continue forward so that I can grow and flourish.