Frozen

My heart is sore. Do I have a cold heart? Sometimes I wonder do I even have a heart at all.

I look at all the hurt I seem to create and I wonder -is my heart frozen?

I am feeling so fragile yet it seems the people that surround me are even more delicate and fragile than I could ever be, and all because of my doing. I’m not even sure I can explain the hurt I see in their eyes and it leaves me feeling like such a defeated soul. I have never intended to hurt anyone, yet all I seem to do is create destruction in the hearts of the ones I love. Is there a cure for this, or is the cure just to end it all for youself leaving no more grief to be created in the future for the others in our life.

I sit in a country that I call my own, while everyone is celebrating late into the night the fortune and joy of having just won their first World Cup. I hear the fireworks and all the car hooters. I hear the cheers and songs of people in the street. I hear such a sense of joy in the air and all I can wish is that it was contagious - that I could be infected with a sense of happiness.

I know my heart is not a cold one and that my heart is not frozen. How is it then that I make such bad judgments’ that do leave others hurt and me feeling soulless in the process. How much more can one soul really take before self combustion takes place freezing your heart entirely, and do I want to be like that in the first place?

For the first time ever I feel like I am taking ownership of my emotions. I am facing what I feel - but as I go along stumbling through these realizations I have also managed to hurt the two people I love. I feel like I should be saying I’m Sorry all the time, but also know that actions speak louder than words. I just wish I knew what the action was to be able to take control of it or let it take control of me first.

I think we are all feeling so exhausted individually that we tend to get lost on the way - or is it that I am the only one that is truly lost and doesn’t know his way to a better righter future. How do you show your emotions? Will I ever be able to show them completely? I’m trying so hard to do just that, show my emotions; discuss them, be prepared to share what has always embarrassed me previously or just get them out to make sure that I am able to express myself freely.

I just feel to too tired to write anymore tonight. It’s been a hectic week for all, and another one lies ahead.
I give thanks to the universe as my 1st day as a non smoker has also passed.

The mirror effect

Its been a hell of a weekend emotionally. I was prepared for talks, I was prepared to stand my ground and I was prepared to come clean. In a flash it was augmented at just how much I needed to do it and even with my mental preparations, the tears flowed freely.

A very good friend emailed me last night to ask me why I did not confront it 5 months ago when I was faced with it. My response was fear. I realized this morning that 5 months ago I had not even begun to know that I needed a mirror. I never had the tools and I was in denial to myself about whom it is I really am. In 5 months I see that I have grown; perhaps not as much as I would like because my impatience with myself is something that I am dealing with on a different level in my psyche. But in 5 months I have started coming to terms with everything I have done and all the work I need to do to move forward.

I started with my body and I started with my diet. These were the two things that I knew I could deal with and could feel good about as I would see a physical difference and we all need a little recognition when we have a purpose. 3 months ago I snapped and 3 months ago I found the mirror and 3 months ago I started with the basic tools that many have already when they are in their teens. I cant blame anyone for who I am today, except myself, but I do realize that I have been emotionally stunted because of the emotionless upbringing that I had. It was a sink or swim situation and my survival technique kicked in and I swam, to stay alive. I didn’t have the time to worry about emotions.

As I sit here I realize how much I could have missed if the realities had not come crashing down on me like a landslide in a rocky mountainous region. I am the one to blame and I am the one that needs to fix it up. Perhaps its too late in certain areas – time will tell, but I can only try. I am coming to terms with my emotions and I am burying my fear of facing those emotions. I go back to my loves’ saying of – there are none so blind as those who do not see. My vision has been impaired for a while, although it wasn’t always, so now I sit here and I start letting the tears roll so that I can clear my vision again and look on at myself with new eyes, new hopes, new aspirations, perhaps it’s the mirror that I’ve cleaned up with my tears as well.

I feel exceptionally fragile and drained right now but I feel lighter and like I have found my first building block towards my future. As I sit here I sit here in all realities as a single man who now has a stepping stone to take a leap of faith forward and find the next stones that I can step with as I move along. The most encouraging thing is that I know I am not alone. The worst thing is that I have also somehow pulled a muscle in my gluteus and I am battling to sit normally. It is funny really, but sore.

I have love in my life and I have support from the most special people in my life. The mirror has shown me this weekend that the cleansing of the soul is the seed to creating and growing of the love I need for myself.

I’ve made a solid promise to myself to continue forward so that I can grow and flourish.

Many facets of love

I arrived safely to a very hot and muggy Barcelona. The sun is bright and the atmosphere is that of lazy European Summers, having a siesta after lunch and waiting for it to cool down to feel a little normal again. The flight felt very long but the most amazing thing is that I got to fly in the new A 380 double decker airbus from Johannesburg to Paris. It still amazes me how something so big can take to the sky with the ease of a bird that’s using its wings.

Having not slept on the flight I had time to think about what has happened in my life over the past four months of being away. I had time to see that I have grown as a person and as Charles recently said “put on your seat-belt as its going to be a hell of a journey”. I see that journey as a journey of love.

I wonder sometimes about love and I wonder about the many facets that we are faced with on a daily basis in the love that surrounds us. There are so many ways to love so many things, but the emotional let-go, I suppose, is the one that we are challenged with in the most unusual way. We love, fall in love and have love that is shared by friends and family, each type of love being unique and different. Its not that you love one more than the other, but rather just differently, and many times its miss-understood by others as to the amount of love that you share with one, or another.

How can one expect a mother, who has two children, to choose the one she loves best? We can’t, because she loves them both equally but differently. Its not something you can place you finger on, or show in a physical sense. It’s a metaphysical phenomenon that takes place within all of us. We don’t always understand things like love but we do most definitely feel them, like a wind that blows cool air on our faces when its hot. We don’t understand the dynamics of how it works but we feel the result and we know that it exists.

Ive explained a few times of the luck I have in my life of having two loves. I feel it in my heart and in my soul, I know it is there every day and every waking and sleeping moment but I can’t physically show it as one would show a beautiful diamond or a new designer jacket. I carry it with my like I carry the skin on my body. I cant help the fact that I feel like this and I cant help the feeling of hurt that wrenches out my heart when I hear that these loves of mine have moved on. I can reason with it through the mind, but that feeling of utter loss and hurt is as strong as the very love that I have that I wear with me.

I realized on the plane last night that I will never be able to explain completely what I am going through; perhaps I don’t have to. What I did realize last night is that no matter what the outcome, I will always have these marvelous feelings for the people I love. Can I understand completely the love that they have for me, as too, can they understand the utter love I have for them? Does it go back to a previous topic, of doing everything for ourselves first and feeling selfish in the process, Im not sure? I don’t want to believe that love is selfish and I don’t want to believe that we love for selfish reasons.

I do know that I am very emotional today again, very hot and feeling a mixed sense of joy and sadness, about something that I realize I have no say in – because I can only be responsible for my own life and my own feelings and yes, the love that I have for others. I know that I believe love is worth fighting for and whether it be selfish or not, it’s the rewards of having love in your life that’s worth all the turmoil we go through to get to where we are.

I am in love, I have love, I give love and I most definitely receive love.

Why then do I still feel so sad in my hearrt?

The ripple effect

I received an email tonight that questioned: could a butterfly flapping its wings, create a hurricane on the other side of the world? I think we’ve all heard a version of this question. If we kill a bee it has a disastrous effect on the earth 4 years later. If we kill all the bee’s the earth could be barren in a few short years. There are many that Ive heard, but it got me wondering, about what I call the Ripple Effect, and how it effect’s us in our everyday lives.

You see many years ago, I was excitedly planning on going to Thailand to do a job with a young talented lady. The evening before we were bound for Thailand the young lady’s mother told her she couldn’t go. I was left distraught and jobless. I met with another friend in Johannesburg who gave me a few numbers to call in Europe. I called that same day and within a week I was working and living in Barcelona, Spain. That was over 20 years ago. Today I call Barcelona my home; I have my loves in Barcelona and my family, my dogs - my home in all senses of the word.

How different would my life be today if the young lady’s mother had left her to go to Thailand?

This evening I sat with my friends in Cape Town and I was reminded of another friend (sitting with us at dinner) who, going through a questionable journey in her life herself, was wondering what to do next. On a Friday evening sitting in a local pub having a few drinks the question was asked if anyone knew of someone who could work for a friend. My friend said “I can do that”, landed the job and has just finished doing the CNN TIME WARNER FORTUNE 500 Congress, with speakers like Bill Clinton and more!

How different would her life have been these past three months if she were not in that particular pub, on that particular night?

Are our lives actually just made up of coincidences as we move along this journey we call life or are we, at times, in a different ‘zone’ that allows us to pick up on certain unforeseen events that do actually mould our lives further?

As I excitedly prepare to go home again tomorrow I sit here wondering what life lays ahead for me on this journey that I am faced with. Not the journey to Barcelona, but the next stepping stone that seems to be a metaphysical stone, placed before me by the universe, to cross another road, another river, another field of dreams. I find that life has suddenly become exciting again as I consider this concept and the ripple effect it could have on my life.

I sit here tonight being so grateful for my life. I sit here being grateful for all the wondrous turns, changes in direction and bumps that have made this journey so far, so interesting. I am grateful for the people that I have in my life, the people that I’ve lost in my life and the people who just crossed through my life.

MOST of all I sit here being grateful for the young lady’s mother who would not let her go to Thailand. Be thankful everyone – there really is a lot to be thankful for.

Be well

Over the past few weeks I’ve been looking at how I attract things into my life, when I attract them and what are the seeming processes prior to getting to these peak states that I’ve been achieving. I remember the night I decided I needed to relook at myself, the night I stripped all my clothes off and had a real good look at who I was, what I didn’t like about myself, what I did like about myself and then I looked into my eyes and started picking and noting the things that I wanted to change.

I cried that night when I looked at how much of me I wanted to change. I remember putting on my underwear, making a cup of coffee, sitting at my dining room table with pen and paper in hand and I began to write from the top what it was I wanted to change.

1. My body
2. My diet

There is a lot on that list of mine and I have been working through it as I go along. Four months ago I decided to look at my elephant and see how I could eat it one chunk at a time. These were the two that I started with, that I thought were manageable for me to deal with and then the rest I would take one bight at a time.

I sat with my friend tonight and we were chatting about how my body is changing and how I feel like my biorhythms are getting to be in a better place. I know the endorphins that are released through my gym work – outs, ballet classes, mountain climbing, walks along the beach and watching the way I have been eating has made a startling difference to the person I saw in the mirror. I know its sounds very superficial taking care of the outside, but its all part of me and who I am. This body is my body and this mind and these emotions are all mine, so I need to start someplace and that’s what Ive done.

Im not talking about the fact that Ive gone from being little Lotta to the Incredible Hulk but rather that I notice and see the difference in myself and after all, we are our biggest critics in everything we do. I know the healthier eating habits have not only contributed towards a healthier body, but also to a healthier mind and all these little things combined make for a better stronger person; spiritually , mentally and emotionally.

I feel proud that my friend has noticed the changes in me and my body, but I feel prouder still that I started with my list and that I am seeing some results bear fruit!

Ill be leaving for Barcelona on Friday and will be out of Cape Town for two weeks spending time with my loved ones, my dogs and my family! It’s a very exciting prospect and I may not have time to blog every day but I will try to blog at least a few times.

Now I am adding some summer to the healthier body and healthier mind ( with a lot of sunscreen) but I think that I may even get a boost with a good dose of Vitamin D. What I do know is that I feel like the attraction of good things is aligning itself to me and my life right now and a great way to leave for a vacation. I actually think I deserve it!

States of flow

I thought I had a crappy day yesterday. I was ready to just let the day be over, get into bed and sleep it away so as to awake this morning feeling refreshed and revitalized for a new day! So much changes so quickly in my life, I realized!

Having shut down my laptops, my cell-phone rang and I received an unexpected call from a friend in Italy! Being such an unexpected surprise call, my first reaction was “what’s wrong?” Thankfully there was nothing wrong, but in the process of a half hour telephone call I went through various emotions that moved me into such a good place emotionally. While I was on this long distance call I noted my phone beeping to see another call coming through which I returned once I had finished with my friend. It happened to be another friend who had just been given my number, and a person whom I had not spoken to in over a year! Another surprise!

IT got me thinking this morning about my mood swings in a matter of about 45 minutes. I had an embarrassing moment where I even blushed, I laughed, I listened, I spoke, but most importantly I thought of everything else but the Crappy day that I had and I went to bed with a smile on my face and thanked the universe for another day! I realized this morning that we are all faced with various states of thought and emotion. Recently I listened to a tele-seminar about how Thought + Emotion = Attraction! Is this what actually happened to me last night? As my thought patterns changed, my emotions lifted remarkably and I felt the attraction of being in a better state.

How do we call on these ‘peak-states’ to maintain a great sense of flow within ourselves, to make us feel better? Ive understood now that the “thought” part is who we want to be; the “emotion” part is what’s happening at present which is what gives us the “attraction” of what we are faced with at that moment. I think what I did come to understand is that we need to be happy NOW – this very moment.

Being happy now - with goals which are set for our future - allows us these peak states. I think what I need to start noting is what the development is to reach this peak state and note also when I am in the peak state. This peak state is a sense of happiness that allows good thoughts, good feelings and basically just having a smile all over your body, known also as a fabulous mood!

I want to be in this space all the time, don’t we all? I do know that thanks to a very special friend making the effort to call and chat, and a surprise long lost friend’s call I felt fantastic; I still do. A short brief moment has left a long standing sense of happiness within my soul and I can only say THANK YOU.

Perhaps we should all note that sometimes its nice to just call and say hello, no matter where you may be. It puts a smile in someone’s heart that may really need it at that moment in time. Unbeknownst to my friends, that is exactly what happened last night and I sit here today with a huge smile on my face still!

Today I feel my cosmic attraction is at a peak not reached in a long time! I need to accept that the universe will lead me in the right direction at times, and I don’t have to fight it.

My Core Energies

Is it possible to do and be anything? After reading what I wrote yesterday I went back and listened to two chapters of the Secret. The Secret does promote that we can do anything, be anything and achieve anything we want.

It got me wondering if that is at all possible for each individual. Does this not rely a lot on our own personalities and the likes and dislikes that each of us have? What I mean is that IF I like to dance and I have an interest in it and go ahead and do it, is it not more likely that I will succeed in it as apposed to Basket-ball that I have no interest in whatsoever? IS it possible for me to start playing basket-ball, practice it a lot and then succeed in it as well? I think not.

I do believe that each and every one of us has our core beliefs and our core likes/dislikes. I think that these are almost ingrained into us like our DNA, which is what makes each and everyone of us unique. Does it mean that we can challenge ourselves to the point of actually doing something that we don’t like and don’t really want to do? Does this mean that our motivations for these dislikes are changeable as well and can we sell it to ourselves to start doing things we never really liked in the first place? Why would we want to do them anyway?

I am often confronted by aspects of what I like, as apposed to what others expect from me. I do want to be able to help others and feel that I am giving back as well as making sure that I am able to nurture these others, to gain what is good for them in their lives. I know that I always challenge myself to do things that I think will help me in my life but I am also aware that as a caring human I will go out of my way to help others and have often landed up doing things that I don’t really want to do.

If I look at my upbringing and the strength that was indirectly imposed on my by my parents, I start questioning all these things in the life that I live. I seem to often be living according to others expectations of me and somewhere along the line I find that I have denied myself the total happiness that I could have. I do tend to put my desires on the back burner if there is something that I can do for others when they need or ask for my help. IS that right or wrong? I have a good friend who does everything for herself first and then takes care of others thereafter. Am I missing the point and is this selfish or not?

In my search for my positive energies, I realized last night that I need to release these guilty feelings to helping myself first. I need to recognize where I am able to help others to my best ability and then I need to do the right thing for myself, although it does seem to come across as selfish. These are tough decisions to make and to change. These are constant training sessions that I need to give myself and my inner voice critic that is sometime so harsh on me and what I am doing.

Sometimes like today, it just gets all too much for me and I have a real CRAPPY day, to say the least. Im exhausted mentally, emotionally and even physically. I feel like all the work Im putting into this journey should be chucked out the window of a fast moving train and I should just give up and register myself as lost on my own road!
Then I have a good dinner, do a calm meditation and remind myself that all roads are not smooth, and that it’s my core energy that I am using to smooth these roads. Isn’t it only logical then that I will feel tired and drained and just wanting to burst into tears? Still doesn’t help me really, but I suppose I do at least have hope in that Im looking to find the solutions to my challenges as it’s the solutions that matter, not the challenges.
But some days I just can’t face them and actually don’t want to. Am I allowed to feel crappy, get into bed and say thanks for a crappy day, tomorrow is another day?

I just feel too exhausted to think or do anything right now!