Finding my cup

I know its been a while since I’ve written. Its been 7 weeks of non smoking and I have now finished all three my projects that needed to be presented last week and which took up a lot of my time and energy, but the studies need to be completed (personal goal). Its tough trying to work and study at the same time and then try live life – but its not un - achievable and I do believe its all about your attitude as to how you deal with life in general!

Ive been looking for my cup and in the process found that I am actually the cup! Does that make any sense? Let me explain:

I recently read an article by Dr Robert Anthony where he posed this analogy:
People living in scarcity and struggle see the cup as half empty
People who are positive thinkers see the cup as half full
People who understand their true connection to the source energy see the cup as overflowing
People who live in the flow and in alignment know they are the cup

I looked at how I have been for quite some time now, delving into myself through coaching sessions, therapy and self study. I think I have gone through all these stages at some point but when I look at the way I am as a person, I think I am the cup.

I think I’ve have taken my meditation to the next level where I am now visualizing increasingly clearer with every session. I visualize through the day and I manifest what I want verbally and vocally to the universe. I give thanks all the time. Thanks for the things that have happened through the day and thanks for having so many wonderful people in my life. I think we all really do have so much to be thankful for; just take a minute to think about it and you will soon see how much there is too say thanks for.

I look at what Ive lost - and I do mean in the materialistic way - and realize that I cant take it with me once I pass on and become energy in the universe. It would’ve frightened me in the past to have worked so hard all my life and now, through my own doing, land up living with 3 suite cases, in a rented place and actually being happier with myself than I have been in a long time. IT no longer does. I feel the love the universe is giving me and I feel the acceptance of who I am and what I am and I feel that I no longer fight against it.

I feel like a better person as I realize I can be a receiver in life and not just a giver. I can listen and not talk. I can give and not have to receive. I can be a contradiction to myself and be ok with it. You see I realize I have found myself again. It seems like I had forgotten who I really was and perhaps that’s why I always felt like life was a struggle. My greatness is not dependant on what I accomplish. I am great, you are great, we are all great; we are all unique creatures and that in itself makes us all great!

I am the cup because I am receiving things every day from the universe, from friends, from my love, from my family, from unknown strangers I cross paths with on the street.

The more I can hold, the more I can contribute to others thirst.

Choosing happiness

I have been doing well for a while now. My emotions are feeling stronger and I have still not smoked in over 3 weeks. Out of the blue I have a sensitive day. Out of the blue someone close to me does something very unselfish and it makes me cry. Out of the blue someone closer still starts to feel flat and boy oh boy, does it make me hit the bottom of the pit!

I went to bed tonight sobbing. Sobbing because I realize there is so much in life that I am unable to do anything about. Sobbing because what I want I can’t seem to have, because realistically, it’s not in my hands to take but rather in someone else’s to give. It hurts. It hurts because I want to be able to take the pain away from others and carry it with me, so that they don’t have to carry it. I know I can’t as that’s not how life is designed to be lived and we all have our own burdens to carry, be it emotional or physical pain. I know I am carrying a lot of emotional pain, because of things I am to blame for in the past, and I wonder – is there ever a time that you get over the emotional pain or does it just become part of your blueprint as a person in the future? All I know is that right now I feel so empty inside.

I think I realized tonight that I need to choose happiness. Only I can make myself happy. I am to answer for my mistakes and I am to answer for my joy. I speak daily to the universe to help me and I give thanks on a daily basis for what the universe has giving me. My words are what shape my future – by vocalizing what I want, the universe is and has given it to me. Do I need to be more careful in what I am asking for, I think not – but I do believe that I need to perhaps think about how I ask, for what I ask, as there are many ways to say something and there are many ways that that something could be understood.

And I think the understanding comes from the mood I am in. So I need to choose happiness. I need to choose what my heart and my mind and my soul all want - happiness. I have always been a happy person, and I have been responsible for that happiness all by myself. Am I now projecting my insecurities on others who in turn are now holding back on their emotions creating an unhappiness that we don’t really want?

I think I need to choose my words more carefully and choose my actions to match. Why is there this mismatch in what I say and what I do sometimes? Or is there? Those comments that I make everyday - should be positive, filled with optimism and put a smile on your face because I believe it will become infectious. This way we can all be happy in our own way, in our own lives, and on our own paths. This way we could all be saying positive things to one another and building on a brighter happier present and future. This way we train our unconscious minds to think and do positive happy things without us even thinking about what we are doing.

But we have to be aware of it first and train ourselves to do this every day and every moment in every action, word and response we make. Once our subconscious mind is set to do all this we will undoubtedly be in a happier space and our manifestations to the universe will align more to what we want and with whom we want to be.
So I’m choosing happiness.

I aim to make my life happy so that I can spread the love, the joy and the happiness that is inside me – and show it to you and you and you. I can live a better life. I can achieve my goals. I need to choose my words carefully spreading positive messages and I need to keep smiling – it’s very difficult to think negatively when you are smiling.

I believe in my heart soul and mind that things can and will get better. I need to stop the sobbing and I need to be more positive and supportive and get over myself.

I choose happiness.

Waiting

I was asked recently why it is I am not blogging everyday as I had people waiting to see how I was doing and what I was going through. Nice to know that there are people out there waiting for me, but it got me thinking about the “waiting” that we all do in our lives.

Are we all just waiting to die?

Everything we do in life seems to revolve around waiting for something or other. We wait in traffic to get to work; we work and wait for a tea-break then lunch break then tea break so that we can go home. At home we wait for the kettle to boil while we start preparing dinner and then we wait to watch out favorite TV show and then off to bed. Sometimes we even wait to sleep. We even wait to hear what’s going on in others lives…

Since my return, I have been busy, not waiting for anything to happen except taking the bull by the horns and making things happen – all within my own means. I am self employed and with the fact that I’ve been away for more than half of July, I had to get my butt into gear to try making some sort of income. I am also in the process of studying and I have 3 projects due 17th August as well as working on my portfolio career, as you have all heard me mention previously. These include my life coaching and on occasions my photography, not huge income streams but most definitely things I have a passion for, enjoy and able to make a few bucks from at the same time. Then fitting in the normal things in my life, like going to the gym, cooking, cleaning, and scouting for new clients…

I’ve given this so much thought this week. Do I have a clear cut answer as to what the answer is– I’m not too sure because I don’t know if I am waiting for anything at all. I’m not too sure because as much as I know I do stress about not having a financial backing to support me in times of financial hardships like I feel I am in at the moment, I also find that I am not unhappy now as to when this happened to me previously. Does this make any sense at all? Are we all just waiting for a paycheck at the end of the day in some form or another and is this why we are waiting?

What I do know is that I am writing the blog when I am able to put my thoughts and emotions on paper. I have been writing everyday as I normally do, working on my own pages, writing my own feelings and looking at how to continue improving my life for a great future, and in a lot of instances I place these pages on the blog. What I have been waiting for which I think has now arrived, is the realization that I have changed and I have grown. A friend recently emailed me and commented that it’s the first time in a few years that he sees I am starting to get my strength back through the way I am dealing with my life, my emotions and my ambitions. He says he’s waited a long time to see me get my strength back again and it made him smile to see that the wait was worth it. Very encouraging words to me those.

What am I waiting for? What are you waiting for? What are we all waiting for?
I’m sure it’s not just about dying but rather about someone taking note of who we are what we are doing and where we are going.

I wasn’t waiting to hear my friends encouraging words but I must admit his encouragement has made me feel like the wait to start realizing my progress is all so worth it because of those few words written in an email by him.

So, are we all just waiting for some form of recognition?

Wait…

INVICTUS

I found this poem to be so apt - and wanted to share it with you all:

About the poet - William Ernest Henley (August 23, 1849 - July 11, 1903) was a British poet, critic and editor.

INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Love thyself

Aligning myself with the possibilities that are available to me ahead is in itself a great motivating factor. A week of adjusting to a new life is something that seems like such a short time and not really possible to do, but I think that the rough patch of “clearing out” over the past few months has made the transition a little quicker and easier.

I have friends and I have love in my life and I am realizing that I have fantastic memories to look back on. New memories are now in the making and new possibilities are available to everyone. My vibration levels are picking up and with that the possibilities of new manifestations are making everything seem so much clearer again in my life. Its about the energy levels that are recharged, re-motivated, re – re – re- re …..

Its still a shaky feeling but the shakiness seems to be getting better as I sleep better and have clearer concepts developing in my mind. I am able to visualize again and with that so much becomes clearer for a fantastic life of possibility and a life filled with love, friendships, family and desire. I have hope again, and I have desire to build a bright future for myself and my love.

Ive come to realize that friendship is what drives most of us. It’s the connection we have between me and you, you and me, and in all aspects we and humanity. We are all really social creatures and its that interaction between us that makes friendship lasting and enduring - although not all friendships last for a full life time. Friendship is what drives us to happiness and in reality can turn into love and even into family. In this period of turmoil I realize how lucky I am to have not only love but also friendships that are not like ships passing in the night unnoticed, unheard, or unseen; friendships that show no favor to choosing sides, but rather to be supportive of all of us as individuals. Friendships that support your decisions and encourage you to follow your own path because its these friendships that truly want for you to be happy in your core. It’s a blessing to have these friendships and I am blessed.

Ive not written everyday as Ive not really had the inclination to do so. Its been a week of adjustments and within those adjustments Ive had to work, study and basically acclimatize myself to the magnificent new life ahead of me. I have to look at all the motivating factors that push me forward and I have to be grateful to myself, to you, to the universe, to my friends, to my family, to everyone. Its not just a honeymoon phase of bliss, but a deeply felt and deeply ‘known’ sense of positivity and strength.

Somehow we are all motivating each other even if at times it does not seem to be so. Motivation comes from so many different arenas and comes in so many disguises I’ve realized. I’ve realized this through the silent motivation I felt when a friend told me this week that I was his ‘person’ that he looked up to. Here I felt that I was being a bit of a mess coming to terms with all the emotional turmoil after years of suppressing it only to find that the actions Ive taken have been an encouragement to others.

Some have called me human some have called me strong. What I do know is that Im feeling happiness inside that gives me a light that I feel shinning through my soul. I am human and I am strong. I am also real; what Ive come to realize is that facing the reality is what makes me human and is what makes me strong. There’s been a lot of hurt and there’s been a lot of growth but these lessons, both hurt and growth have obviously come when the universe felt that I was ready to deal with them. As I said earlier, my vibrations are picking up and my manifestations are becoming clearer. I know what to ask for and I know what I want.

Today makes it 14 days as a non smoker; with its own turmoil’s, its own hills to climb and its own elephants to eat. Lots of encouragement from people all around me and lots of support – but I must say its starting to make me feel different again. I don’t smell the stench on my clothes, on my breath and even on my sweat. My mouth feels like it is clean.

I believe in giving thanks. I give thanks every day and I encourage you all to do the same. Be grateful for the small mercies in life and celebrate the big ones. We cant take anything with us, so enjoy it to the max in the here and now.

Love yourself.

Now

A new beginning

On shaky ground I arrived in Cape Town. Shaky because so much that I have taken for granted for so long turned out to be something that I was only suppressing for just as long a period. Shaky is not a bad place to be, because I think it heightens the senses to other things that are surrounding you and making you aware of what the possibilities are, ahead.

I started with my body and my diet. The next thing on that list of mine was to become a Non Smoker; not a quitter (negative connotations that I’m trying to stay away from in all aspects) and not an ex smoker – a Non Smoker. I’m taking one bight at a time, one day at a time and albeit on shaky ground I know that someone has taken a leap of faith for me, and that is a very special sense of confidence to be placed in when I am feeling so shaky.

It’s a world of possibilities ahead now and I am going to make it work. I need to listen, not speak so much. I need to continue nurturing and not just doing because I feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, but because it makes me feel good and it makes others feel good. I feel my vibrations are starting to be clear vibrations and I think that this clarity is also helping me manifest in a better way. I feel like my intuition is helping me manifest in the right way and I think the meditation process is also making me calm my mind. My energy levels will pick up and my vibrations will improve. I go back to the saying, there are none so blind as those who do not see; I am starting to see again - and I have faith.

As with all new beginnings I think - better said - I know I will make mistakes. It’s like the process of a new born trying to touch everything discovering the senses that they elicit when touching for the first time. That same baby that starts to crawl, then stand, then walks and then runs. Each process is a shaky one and each process has countless amounts of falls before perfecting the process and moving on.

There is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and of course I most certainly feel that I have love all the way. It’s the love that gives me the strength to proceed and motivate me to succeed on this journey of mine. I am coming to terms with all the emotions that I’ve been going through and I am aware of the mess ups as well as the advances that I have made. I’m most certainly not proud of all the steps that I’ve been through but mostly they now seem to be inevitable to the way the universe is leading me.

I am grateful for the past that I have shared. I would not want to change it as I would be a different person writing if that were the case. I want to cherish those memories and look back on a past with a smile and a warm happiness in my heart. We have to move on, but move on with a good feeling, once all this turmoil has settled.

Its now time for new beginnings, new memories and new happiness’s on a journey that will make us all happy to be crossing each other’s paths along the way. Lets us give thanks for those special memories that we did have the time to share and lets look forward to the amazing possibilities that lie ahead for each and every one of us.

Let’s celebrate new beginnings together.

Where to from here?

The openness and freeing of emotional turmoil leaves us all drained, exhausted and tired. Why is there a need to get things out into the open and why do I not just bottle it up and keep it to myself? Would I grow as a person and would I be able to be a full man by keeping all these emotions bottled up as I have for so long? I seem to be going back to the drawing board again as to how to plot my journey forward – but I do know that I want one that is true to who I am and true to the journey that I have taken.

It’s been very hard to face my own faults, holding that mirror up in the process to see what the true colour of my eyes really are. The sad and heart wrenching thing is that in the process others get hurt, and that is exactly what I did not want – but I do realize that being loved ones they want me to grown and improve, no matter how hard they themselves are hurting.
I just feel like an absolute demon making others feel like this.

My fears of facing myself and the areas in my life that need to be cleaned up are not getting easier to handle. The fears I can deal with I suppose, it’s the realization that every turn I make I land up hurting another loved one. I said the other day that there are so many facets of love, but we are all loved and we are all hurt in life while others make the changes necessary to their lives. I just sometimes wish life could be more simplified – not so many analysts analyzing so much of what we do and say, or react and do. What happened to the good old days when a psychologist was something you went to only if you seriously needed help. Then the therapist became fashionable, and I am one that believes now, that everyone should have their own therapist to deal with the rush that happens in our everyday lives.
I still feel terrible; my emotions are freeing themselves up and others are getting hurt. So I ask myself, is it all worth it?

Where do I go from here, after all the emotions are dissected, machine washed, hand rinsed and tumbled, and I land up sitting on my bed knowing that its been long overdue, yet still I feel like the recognition of my mistakes and my failures, have not been grasped by others. Only time can prove that I have learnt and that I am learning.

It’s a tough life but I’m trying to make it better. I head back to Cape Town today, single, heart sore but still not smoking after 7 days! The only thing I feel that I can be proud of myself for right now.

Frozen

My heart is sore. Do I have a cold heart? Sometimes I wonder do I even have a heart at all.

I look at all the hurt I seem to create and I wonder -is my heart frozen?

I am feeling so fragile yet it seems the people that surround me are even more delicate and fragile than I could ever be, and all because of my doing. I’m not even sure I can explain the hurt I see in their eyes and it leaves me feeling like such a defeated soul. I have never intended to hurt anyone, yet all I seem to do is create destruction in the hearts of the ones I love. Is there a cure for this, or is the cure just to end it all for youself leaving no more grief to be created in the future for the others in our life.

I sit in a country that I call my own, while everyone is celebrating late into the night the fortune and joy of having just won their first World Cup. I hear the fireworks and all the car hooters. I hear the cheers and songs of people in the street. I hear such a sense of joy in the air and all I can wish is that it was contagious - that I could be infected with a sense of happiness.

I know my heart is not a cold one and that my heart is not frozen. How is it then that I make such bad judgments’ that do leave others hurt and me feeling soulless in the process. How much more can one soul really take before self combustion takes place freezing your heart entirely, and do I want to be like that in the first place?

For the first time ever I feel like I am taking ownership of my emotions. I am facing what I feel - but as I go along stumbling through these realizations I have also managed to hurt the two people I love. I feel like I should be saying I’m Sorry all the time, but also know that actions speak louder than words. I just wish I knew what the action was to be able to take control of it or let it take control of me first.

I think we are all feeling so exhausted individually that we tend to get lost on the way - or is it that I am the only one that is truly lost and doesn’t know his way to a better righter future. How do you show your emotions? Will I ever be able to show them completely? I’m trying so hard to do just that, show my emotions; discuss them, be prepared to share what has always embarrassed me previously or just get them out to make sure that I am able to express myself freely.

I just feel to too tired to write anymore tonight. It’s been a hectic week for all, and another one lies ahead.
I give thanks to the universe as my 1st day as a non smoker has also passed.

The mirror effect

Its been a hell of a weekend emotionally. I was prepared for talks, I was prepared to stand my ground and I was prepared to come clean. In a flash it was augmented at just how much I needed to do it and even with my mental preparations, the tears flowed freely.

A very good friend emailed me last night to ask me why I did not confront it 5 months ago when I was faced with it. My response was fear. I realized this morning that 5 months ago I had not even begun to know that I needed a mirror. I never had the tools and I was in denial to myself about whom it is I really am. In 5 months I see that I have grown; perhaps not as much as I would like because my impatience with myself is something that I am dealing with on a different level in my psyche. But in 5 months I have started coming to terms with everything I have done and all the work I need to do to move forward.

I started with my body and I started with my diet. These were the two things that I knew I could deal with and could feel good about as I would see a physical difference and we all need a little recognition when we have a purpose. 3 months ago I snapped and 3 months ago I found the mirror and 3 months ago I started with the basic tools that many have already when they are in their teens. I cant blame anyone for who I am today, except myself, but I do realize that I have been emotionally stunted because of the emotionless upbringing that I had. It was a sink or swim situation and my survival technique kicked in and I swam, to stay alive. I didn’t have the time to worry about emotions.

As I sit here I realize how much I could have missed if the realities had not come crashing down on me like a landslide in a rocky mountainous region. I am the one to blame and I am the one that needs to fix it up. Perhaps its too late in certain areas – time will tell, but I can only try. I am coming to terms with my emotions and I am burying my fear of facing those emotions. I go back to my loves’ saying of – there are none so blind as those who do not see. My vision has been impaired for a while, although it wasn’t always, so now I sit here and I start letting the tears roll so that I can clear my vision again and look on at myself with new eyes, new hopes, new aspirations, perhaps it’s the mirror that I’ve cleaned up with my tears as well.

I feel exceptionally fragile and drained right now but I feel lighter and like I have found my first building block towards my future. As I sit here I sit here in all realities as a single man who now has a stepping stone to take a leap of faith forward and find the next stones that I can step with as I move along. The most encouraging thing is that I know I am not alone. The worst thing is that I have also somehow pulled a muscle in my gluteus and I am battling to sit normally. It is funny really, but sore.

I have love in my life and I have support from the most special people in my life. The mirror has shown me this weekend that the cleansing of the soul is the seed to creating and growing of the love I need for myself.

I’ve made a solid promise to myself to continue forward so that I can grow and flourish.

Many facets of love

I arrived safely to a very hot and muggy Barcelona. The sun is bright and the atmosphere is that of lazy European Summers, having a siesta after lunch and waiting for it to cool down to feel a little normal again. The flight felt very long but the most amazing thing is that I got to fly in the new A 380 double decker airbus from Johannesburg to Paris. It still amazes me how something so big can take to the sky with the ease of a bird that’s using its wings.

Having not slept on the flight I had time to think about what has happened in my life over the past four months of being away. I had time to see that I have grown as a person and as Charles recently said “put on your seat-belt as its going to be a hell of a journey”. I see that journey as a journey of love.

I wonder sometimes about love and I wonder about the many facets that we are faced with on a daily basis in the love that surrounds us. There are so many ways to love so many things, but the emotional let-go, I suppose, is the one that we are challenged with in the most unusual way. We love, fall in love and have love that is shared by friends and family, each type of love being unique and different. Its not that you love one more than the other, but rather just differently, and many times its miss-understood by others as to the amount of love that you share with one, or another.

How can one expect a mother, who has two children, to choose the one she loves best? We can’t, because she loves them both equally but differently. Its not something you can place you finger on, or show in a physical sense. It’s a metaphysical phenomenon that takes place within all of us. We don’t always understand things like love but we do most definitely feel them, like a wind that blows cool air on our faces when its hot. We don’t understand the dynamics of how it works but we feel the result and we know that it exists.

Ive explained a few times of the luck I have in my life of having two loves. I feel it in my heart and in my soul, I know it is there every day and every waking and sleeping moment but I can’t physically show it as one would show a beautiful diamond or a new designer jacket. I carry it with my like I carry the skin on my body. I cant help the fact that I feel like this and I cant help the feeling of hurt that wrenches out my heart when I hear that these loves of mine have moved on. I can reason with it through the mind, but that feeling of utter loss and hurt is as strong as the very love that I have that I wear with me.

I realized on the plane last night that I will never be able to explain completely what I am going through; perhaps I don’t have to. What I did realize last night is that no matter what the outcome, I will always have these marvelous feelings for the people I love. Can I understand completely the love that they have for me, as too, can they understand the utter love I have for them? Does it go back to a previous topic, of doing everything for ourselves first and feeling selfish in the process, Im not sure? I don’t want to believe that love is selfish and I don’t want to believe that we love for selfish reasons.

I do know that I am very emotional today again, very hot and feeling a mixed sense of joy and sadness, about something that I realize I have no say in – because I can only be responsible for my own life and my own feelings and yes, the love that I have for others. I know that I believe love is worth fighting for and whether it be selfish or not, it’s the rewards of having love in your life that’s worth all the turmoil we go through to get to where we are.

I am in love, I have love, I give love and I most definitely receive love.

Why then do I still feel so sad in my hearrt?

The ripple effect

I received an email tonight that questioned: could a butterfly flapping its wings, create a hurricane on the other side of the world? I think we’ve all heard a version of this question. If we kill a bee it has a disastrous effect on the earth 4 years later. If we kill all the bee’s the earth could be barren in a few short years. There are many that Ive heard, but it got me wondering, about what I call the Ripple Effect, and how it effect’s us in our everyday lives.

You see many years ago, I was excitedly planning on going to Thailand to do a job with a young talented lady. The evening before we were bound for Thailand the young lady’s mother told her she couldn’t go. I was left distraught and jobless. I met with another friend in Johannesburg who gave me a few numbers to call in Europe. I called that same day and within a week I was working and living in Barcelona, Spain. That was over 20 years ago. Today I call Barcelona my home; I have my loves in Barcelona and my family, my dogs - my home in all senses of the word.

How different would my life be today if the young lady’s mother had left her to go to Thailand?

This evening I sat with my friends in Cape Town and I was reminded of another friend (sitting with us at dinner) who, going through a questionable journey in her life herself, was wondering what to do next. On a Friday evening sitting in a local pub having a few drinks the question was asked if anyone knew of someone who could work for a friend. My friend said “I can do that”, landed the job and has just finished doing the CNN TIME WARNER FORTUNE 500 Congress, with speakers like Bill Clinton and more!

How different would her life have been these past three months if she were not in that particular pub, on that particular night?

Are our lives actually just made up of coincidences as we move along this journey we call life or are we, at times, in a different ‘zone’ that allows us to pick up on certain unforeseen events that do actually mould our lives further?

As I excitedly prepare to go home again tomorrow I sit here wondering what life lays ahead for me on this journey that I am faced with. Not the journey to Barcelona, but the next stepping stone that seems to be a metaphysical stone, placed before me by the universe, to cross another road, another river, another field of dreams. I find that life has suddenly become exciting again as I consider this concept and the ripple effect it could have on my life.

I sit here tonight being so grateful for my life. I sit here being grateful for all the wondrous turns, changes in direction and bumps that have made this journey so far, so interesting. I am grateful for the people that I have in my life, the people that I’ve lost in my life and the people who just crossed through my life.

MOST of all I sit here being grateful for the young lady’s mother who would not let her go to Thailand. Be thankful everyone – there really is a lot to be thankful for.

Be well

Over the past few weeks I’ve been looking at how I attract things into my life, when I attract them and what are the seeming processes prior to getting to these peak states that I’ve been achieving. I remember the night I decided I needed to relook at myself, the night I stripped all my clothes off and had a real good look at who I was, what I didn’t like about myself, what I did like about myself and then I looked into my eyes and started picking and noting the things that I wanted to change.

I cried that night when I looked at how much of me I wanted to change. I remember putting on my underwear, making a cup of coffee, sitting at my dining room table with pen and paper in hand and I began to write from the top what it was I wanted to change.

1. My body
2. My diet

There is a lot on that list of mine and I have been working through it as I go along. Four months ago I decided to look at my elephant and see how I could eat it one chunk at a time. These were the two that I started with, that I thought were manageable for me to deal with and then the rest I would take one bight at a time.

I sat with my friend tonight and we were chatting about how my body is changing and how I feel like my biorhythms are getting to be in a better place. I know the endorphins that are released through my gym work – outs, ballet classes, mountain climbing, walks along the beach and watching the way I have been eating has made a startling difference to the person I saw in the mirror. I know its sounds very superficial taking care of the outside, but its all part of me and who I am. This body is my body and this mind and these emotions are all mine, so I need to start someplace and that’s what Ive done.

Im not talking about the fact that Ive gone from being little Lotta to the Incredible Hulk but rather that I notice and see the difference in myself and after all, we are our biggest critics in everything we do. I know the healthier eating habits have not only contributed towards a healthier body, but also to a healthier mind and all these little things combined make for a better stronger person; spiritually , mentally and emotionally.

I feel proud that my friend has noticed the changes in me and my body, but I feel prouder still that I started with my list and that I am seeing some results bear fruit!

Ill be leaving for Barcelona on Friday and will be out of Cape Town for two weeks spending time with my loved ones, my dogs and my family! It’s a very exciting prospect and I may not have time to blog every day but I will try to blog at least a few times.

Now I am adding some summer to the healthier body and healthier mind ( with a lot of sunscreen) but I think that I may even get a boost with a good dose of Vitamin D. What I do know is that I feel like the attraction of good things is aligning itself to me and my life right now and a great way to leave for a vacation. I actually think I deserve it!

States of flow

I thought I had a crappy day yesterday. I was ready to just let the day be over, get into bed and sleep it away so as to awake this morning feeling refreshed and revitalized for a new day! So much changes so quickly in my life, I realized!

Having shut down my laptops, my cell-phone rang and I received an unexpected call from a friend in Italy! Being such an unexpected surprise call, my first reaction was “what’s wrong?” Thankfully there was nothing wrong, but in the process of a half hour telephone call I went through various emotions that moved me into such a good place emotionally. While I was on this long distance call I noted my phone beeping to see another call coming through which I returned once I had finished with my friend. It happened to be another friend who had just been given my number, and a person whom I had not spoken to in over a year! Another surprise!

IT got me thinking this morning about my mood swings in a matter of about 45 minutes. I had an embarrassing moment where I even blushed, I laughed, I listened, I spoke, but most importantly I thought of everything else but the Crappy day that I had and I went to bed with a smile on my face and thanked the universe for another day! I realized this morning that we are all faced with various states of thought and emotion. Recently I listened to a tele-seminar about how Thought + Emotion = Attraction! Is this what actually happened to me last night? As my thought patterns changed, my emotions lifted remarkably and I felt the attraction of being in a better state.

How do we call on these ‘peak-states’ to maintain a great sense of flow within ourselves, to make us feel better? Ive understood now that the “thought” part is who we want to be; the “emotion” part is what’s happening at present which is what gives us the “attraction” of what we are faced with at that moment. I think what I did come to understand is that we need to be happy NOW – this very moment.

Being happy now - with goals which are set for our future - allows us these peak states. I think what I need to start noting is what the development is to reach this peak state and note also when I am in the peak state. This peak state is a sense of happiness that allows good thoughts, good feelings and basically just having a smile all over your body, known also as a fabulous mood!

I want to be in this space all the time, don’t we all? I do know that thanks to a very special friend making the effort to call and chat, and a surprise long lost friend’s call I felt fantastic; I still do. A short brief moment has left a long standing sense of happiness within my soul and I can only say THANK YOU.

Perhaps we should all note that sometimes its nice to just call and say hello, no matter where you may be. It puts a smile in someone’s heart that may really need it at that moment in time. Unbeknownst to my friends, that is exactly what happened last night and I sit here today with a huge smile on my face still!

Today I feel my cosmic attraction is at a peak not reached in a long time! I need to accept that the universe will lead me in the right direction at times, and I don’t have to fight it.

My Core Energies

Is it possible to do and be anything? After reading what I wrote yesterday I went back and listened to two chapters of the Secret. The Secret does promote that we can do anything, be anything and achieve anything we want.

It got me wondering if that is at all possible for each individual. Does this not rely a lot on our own personalities and the likes and dislikes that each of us have? What I mean is that IF I like to dance and I have an interest in it and go ahead and do it, is it not more likely that I will succeed in it as apposed to Basket-ball that I have no interest in whatsoever? IS it possible for me to start playing basket-ball, practice it a lot and then succeed in it as well? I think not.

I do believe that each and every one of us has our core beliefs and our core likes/dislikes. I think that these are almost ingrained into us like our DNA, which is what makes each and everyone of us unique. Does it mean that we can challenge ourselves to the point of actually doing something that we don’t like and don’t really want to do? Does this mean that our motivations for these dislikes are changeable as well and can we sell it to ourselves to start doing things we never really liked in the first place? Why would we want to do them anyway?

I am often confronted by aspects of what I like, as apposed to what others expect from me. I do want to be able to help others and feel that I am giving back as well as making sure that I am able to nurture these others, to gain what is good for them in their lives. I know that I always challenge myself to do things that I think will help me in my life but I am also aware that as a caring human I will go out of my way to help others and have often landed up doing things that I don’t really want to do.

If I look at my upbringing and the strength that was indirectly imposed on my by my parents, I start questioning all these things in the life that I live. I seem to often be living according to others expectations of me and somewhere along the line I find that I have denied myself the total happiness that I could have. I do tend to put my desires on the back burner if there is something that I can do for others when they need or ask for my help. IS that right or wrong? I have a good friend who does everything for herself first and then takes care of others thereafter. Am I missing the point and is this selfish or not?

In my search for my positive energies, I realized last night that I need to release these guilty feelings to helping myself first. I need to recognize where I am able to help others to my best ability and then I need to do the right thing for myself, although it does seem to come across as selfish. These are tough decisions to make and to change. These are constant training sessions that I need to give myself and my inner voice critic that is sometime so harsh on me and what I am doing.

Sometimes like today, it just gets all too much for me and I have a real CRAPPY day, to say the least. Im exhausted mentally, emotionally and even physically. I feel like all the work Im putting into this journey should be chucked out the window of a fast moving train and I should just give up and register myself as lost on my own road!
Then I have a good dinner, do a calm meditation and remind myself that all roads are not smooth, and that it’s my core energy that I am using to smooth these roads. Isn’t it only logical then that I will feel tired and drained and just wanting to burst into tears? Still doesn’t help me really, but I suppose I do at least have hope in that Im looking to find the solutions to my challenges as it’s the solutions that matter, not the challenges.
But some days I just can’t face them and actually don’t want to. Am I allowed to feel crappy, get into bed and say thanks for a crappy day, tomorrow is another day?

I just feel too exhausted to think or do anything right now!

The different options available

I think many things have come my way on purpose during this period of growth. Perhaps its because Im more receptive to them and ready to open my mind to new ideas and new views. It’s fantastic!

I have come across a theory posed by an 82 year old man called the American Monk. His theory is that we all have the possibilities of various levels of living available to us all the time. He calls it quantum jumping and at first I found it a little hard to come to terms with but seem to finally understand what he is getting across and I think its a very interesting theory.

If you think of a radio and all the radio waves that are around us all the time, is the example that started making sense to me. The amounts of radio stations available to us at any time are many, but the receptor can only tune into one wave at a time. If we want to change the radio station we need to set the radio dial to another frequency and thereby pick up the new station.

The American Monk says our lives are the same. We have countless possibilities of how we can live our life. Depending on what frequency we are on is the way we live our life at that particular time. We do have the capability of changing the levels we are on by shifting our focus accordingly, like changing the radio stations, but it takes time and practice.

I read this with great interest. I thought about the Secret that seemed to be on everyone’s lips, mine included, a few years ago. Are we able to attract all the goodness into our lives? I do think we are able, but as with anything in our lives, we need to want to do this and be aware of the effort we put into it for it to take place in our lives. I have also read many writings on how the Secret is filled with holes and one cannot live your life just by wishing for it.

I know that I have had to change my way of thinking to get me where I am today. I have had to make a conscious effort to changing my inner voice of how I speak to myself and how I criticize myself as I go alone. I also notice that the more I do it and become aware of it, the easier it gets, as anything in my life that I make a concerted effort to practice.

Perhaps the possibilities that I have around me are endless and its up to me to change the radio frequency to be able to see them. I know that I am coming across a lot of people in the same position as I have been and I have been able to offer my thoughts from my perspective from my personal experience. Ive been giving thanks daily and now Ive been able to give back, in a way.

Does that mean that Ive started seeing different frequencies available to me in my life, Im not sure, but I do know that its an interesting theory and one Im reading up on more and more, because I think that there are so many theories available to all of us but we are only seeing them when we are ready to understand them. The universe does present us with options, I see that now.

The seeds of life being planted

We find all sorts of seeds being planted in our lives on a day to day basis. This is a process I refer to often. Think of yourself as the farmer who works the seed process.

The farmer

The farmer stands facing his land, the sun is rising in the east and the cocks are crowing all around him. Its spring and work needs to be done.
A farmer needs to first work the soil to get it to a good quality soil. This is done through toiling the soil, watering the soil and fertilizing the soil. The farmer needs to work his soil to aerate it. The farmer will do this process for a while before he is happy that it is ready. Sometimes its more difficult because a drought has dried the soil, or a black frost has covered the land. The ground may be hard and very dry and the farmer needs to toil and toil and toil – aerating all the time to get the ground loose and viable. The farmer works meticulously to make sure his soil is aerated. He does all the right things to ensure a healthy happy soil.

Once the farmer is happy with his soil preparation, he sets to work. He plans how he will grow his crop and in which patches he will grow what crop. He may even measure the distances between the seeds that he needs to plant, giving him an idea of how much he can grow over his land. He then starts his planting. Meticulously working and planting until his seeds are all planted.

He may need to fertilize some seeds more, but in general he will need to ensure that they are watered. The watering will help the seeds germinate and with a little luck he may even have a helping hand from nature, with a daily rain pour which will water his seeded ground as nature intended. Pretty soon the plants break ground as the seedlings curl their heads upwards, start stretching their stork spines and start the growing process of reaching for the sky.

Pretty soon the stalks are stretched tall and healthy and near fruit. The farmer looks at the land and smiles when the fruit is ready, as his hard work has paid off. He now starts to harvest his crop, sell it to the markets and soon, will start the whole process again as a new season enters and new crops get planted.

Occasionally the farmer has a bad season, because of a drought or even a flooding. Sometimes unexpected locusts attack or ants eat the roots. But it will pass and it will start anew again.


The analogy of the farmer is one I use often. It fits into many situations of everyday life. You can be the farmer working at your job, to bear the fruits thereof. I used to use it to train my staff teaching them how they need to work their prospects and nurture them through properly so that they can eventually bear the fruits that will carry them a long way.

Today I use it in the sense of how I look at the land as my life. I’ve been working the land, feeding it and watering it to get it to a point of seeding it for the future. Often I think the seeds are already planted and laying dormant for a good watering, and the processes I have been going through in my life sure makes me feel like I am at that stage of the farming process already. With hard work comes a lot of luck and I am starting to feel like my own self discovery is bearing fruit and a lot of seeds planted will bear more fruit as I continue.

Life is not always perfect, but it sure is exhilarating to feel like a farmer again with a new season ahead to nourish and strive towards a successful harvest.

Im harvesting my life! Try it, you may just like it!

Optimism found!

For a long time, my whole life in fact, I have always been an optimist. Its always a great day regardless of the weather and life is very good. That’s how Ive lived my life. I try not sweat the small stuff and I find the sunny side in every trying situation.

In this journey of mine I have come to realize that somewhere along the line over the past few years I became a pessimist. Horribly negative, although I would never admit it, and only seeing doom and gloom. I lost a lot of material things and that seemed to make me even more of a pessimist and only see more doom and gloom. At some point I even considered just ending it all!

I don’t know where the change happened or how it even happened. But it happened! It is through this period of regrouping myself that I have come to realize no matter what I thought, my inner voice was challenging me to the negative, and powerfully so. I would not see the glass as half full but half empty and I did not realize that even if it was half empty it was a lot more than many around me even had!

I would burst into tears for no apparent reason and embarrassingly so at the strangest of times and in the strangest of places. I constantly felt like I had the world on my shoulders and with that I constantly had my shoulders up around my ears. I would suffer from migraines and I would have a terrible feeling of gloom as the knot in my stomach would churn and churn. It was not fun and it is not something I would wish on anyone but it was very real to me.

Somewhere along this search of mine I seem to have just discovered again the optimistic Maurice that Ive always been. I realized this morning that these feelings of euphoria that Im feeling in the morning are lasting longer and longer and Im walking around with a smile on my face again, as well as in my heart. Happiness is not a co-incidence, it’s a choice. I choose to be happy, regardless of the challenges I am faced with. I feel that everyday is a great day again, and if it rains and the wind blows, well hey, enjoy the break from the strong African sun and take time to do more things indoors that I don’t get around to doing when the sun is always shinning.

You see, I think my DNA is optimistic. I think that even though I may have been a pessimist for a while, my inner voice through all this searching, has told my subconscious mind that I need to get over it already, and get back on track! I find that I am working better, and I am eating healthier. I don’t feel like I have the world on my shoulders and I notice that I can see my earlobes again as my shoulders are not hiding them. I now even think I have cute earlobes, what the hell!

I am manifesting everyday to myself; I feel Good, I feel Great, I feel Terrific!
I am taking time out to listen to my heart and meditate in silence that my heart is a good heart and that there is space for so much more. My manifestations are working and I believe in myself again. I have so much to offer the world and I have love in my life. I couldn’t see that for a while because of how dark I saw the world in the situation that I found myself. I spent a lot of solo time and I still do. One needs to do this to get to terms with ones self.

How can I give love if I don’t have any for myself? I see that now, and it feels good. Perhaps the pessimism was a necessity in my life for me to regroup myself, my heart and my mind. Perhaps this was the biggest learning curb of my life and SO WHAT if I loose everything and find myself scrapping by? Its only material stuff that I can carry in my hands, but I am a survivor and I am a wonderful person! The sun WILL come out again, and the difference now is that I believe it again!

I believe in myself and I believe in my journey!

I have found the optimism that my DNA has been blessed to have entwined within it!

I feel like I am on the right road of Be Do Get!

I am attracting many good things again and my magnets are starting to recharge and work towards the full strength of attracting all the goodness that I have everyday in my life. It’s been there all the time, Ive just been too pessimistic to see it!

Seeking Your Passion

Nelson Mandela said to Marianne Williamson: “There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.’
What a slap in the face to a reality check when I read those lines. Honest, real and to the point!

Am I living my life accordingly or am I missing the mark by not looking at the reality of what my life could be? I know that I have been on this journey and I am in search of getting to that mark when I know I will be excited again. I know that I have reached my Point A and I am now looking for my point B. I know that I have become a lot happier through sitting still and writing this blog as I have so much inside that just sits there otherwise, and I have taken the brave route of putting it out there and getting fantastic feedback from many people. It’s been a curious time that reminds me of a roller-coaster ride, and dare I say I love this rollercoaster ride, but would like to get to settled ground again and know that I have grown in the process of the ride!

What are you passions and are you living in the order of the passions you have? This was a question that I overheard at a table in a restaurant, which obviously piqued my interest tremendously, so much so that I just had to eavesdrop a little further. Between the hustling and bustling noise of the restaurant I understood that you should be looking for 5 passions in your life and then live your life according to those 5 passions.

One of the examples I did get to over hear was about putting someone as more important than yourself to enable you to show true love. The subject was about having a child, for you to realize that you are not as important when you have something like a child to take care of! I didn’t think it was a very good example as I know many excellent parents that still follow their passions without having less or more love for their children. In all fairness I did only hear parts of the whole conversation so can’t be too sure if this was an actual example being used to help the lady being spoken to get to her passions.

It did however get me thinking; what are my 5 passions? Do I need to have 5 passions and is it important to have something that is more important in my life than me?
What I do know is that I need to be living my life according to the passions I have. Perhaps I need to classify the importance of my passions to have a look at their importance’s in my life and if I am living accordingly to the order-importance of the passions. Perhaps I am trying too hard in certain areas and not getting the returns I need to be happy in that area? If I challenge myself with these orders perhaps I can change the way my life is lived.

Interesting things you read and then also over-hear in restaurants and coffee shops.

I do think that if I lived my life according to the importance of my passions I will probably find that I would actually change the way I live and probably be so much happier. Perhaps that is the way to find my Point B and get me there quickly.

Am I playing too small and not getting the best results that I should be getting, by not playing bigger? What am I capable of? Strangely Ive never posed that question to myself as I do think the human as a whole is capable of anything. I am capable of anything as are we all, but it’s the intention of each of us that is different and the end results being so different. I do understand the intention of Mr. Mandela’s statement and get excited thinking about the countless possibilities still to be achieved in my life.

I do need to think bigger and I do need to take note of the importances of my passions. It’s no use getting a mediocre result when I should be getting a fantastic result. The results are for me, for my life and for my journey.

Perhaps I need to work harder at seeking my passions.

Engaging

The online free dictionary definitions are many, but Im choosing to use this one:
Transitive Verb - To attract and hold the attention of; engross: a hobby that engaged her for hours at a time.
Intransitive Verb - To involve oneself or become occupied; participate: engage in conversation.

It’s about what we do. Being engaged in a career, a conversation, a hobby or even a luncheon has our full attention and time just disappears.

A recent article I read said that it takes about 10 000 hours to become great at what you do and the first thing that popped into my mind was – who wants to spend 10 000 hours doing something you don’t like? So many of us find ourselves in the fortunate position of loving what we do and many more of us have the unfortunate position of not loving what we do and in this respect Im referring to work or career aspects of our lives.

Isn’t it amazing that when we are engaged in something that we enjoy, time seems to fly? We put our full focused attention into something and 3 hours will pass without even realizing it. We are happy and we are content. We are giving our heart and soul to the attention we place in our interest, and time just slips past. This sort of time slipping past is very good. It gives our auras a shiny glow and it has our brain working like the most advanced computer. We become sharp!

I mention this because I think we should all be making progress on a daily basis. Everyday should be a step forward and being engaged in what we do seems to make it that much easier. We don’t have to be perfect at what we do but we should be enthusiastic about it. I think this enthusiasm is what eventually will get us to the perfection stage, even though as humans none of us are perfect.

As I strive towards my passion I realize that time flies when I am engaged in my passions. I know that it would be senseless to give up my day job as I have to also be a realist in that I have financial responsibilities to stand up to. My day job is the part that allows me the tranquility, in a sense, to not have to stress about my financial obligations. I am however working towards my passion and with hard work and perseverance I will succeed; I have no doubt in myself of that. I just don’t want to go bankrupt in the process!

So I then start looking at the plotting part of how to get my passions to be fully advantageous to me and at the same time make sure that it is financially rewarding enough for me to be able to cover the obligations I have, like rent, food, petrol etc. TO get to this point of my journey I need to start looking at the point A and the point B of my vision.
Point A – where am I now?
Point B – where do I want to be?

Ive come to realize that is very important to understand where I am NOW. That’s been my realization I suppose through this blog that I started a month ago. When I go back and re-read some of my thoughts and happenings, I realize I have made progress on the personal front and at the same time started understanding my passion for life. I am at the point of ‘Where I am’ – and I must say that it’s a good feeling. I often say this - we are today because of what we did yesterday. I am willing to spend 10 000 hours on myself to get to this understanding and be great at understanding myself, but I think its not necessary right now to spend that amount of time. IN reality we spend far more than that as we live our lives and as our lives change.

Im now at Point B – Where do I want to be?
Gosh, and I am actually very excited by the prospect. Ive finally come to realize that I have a map in front of me, but what’s the use of a clear slate if you don’t know where you are or where you want to be?
It’s a very exciting time in my life. It’s unnerving in that I step forward confidently but never know what awaits my next step, but that is all part of the excitement.
The universe is actually opening up doors for me that Ive been too blind to see, too preoccupied to realize, and I refer back to my friends words – there are none so blind as those who do not see!

Im engaging in myself and Im engaging in my time and my energy in looking at the map of my life and choosing where it is I want my point B to be!

Engage
Engage
Engage

Manifesting

Recently I spoke about Intention, Attention and No stress. It was a motivational moment for me - the “ah-ha” moment that we should all have every now and then.

We all need to find inspiration and we all need to let that inspiration give us our own ah-ha moment. I think these moments of inspiration are what ultimately make us happy; happy in what we see, what we hear, what we do, who we are, where we are, etc etc etc. It was another inspirational moment when I understood what was being explained to me by another of my best friends. It was her ah-ha moment and it most certainly became one for me as well.

She says we all DO, GET, BE – explained as - we all DO things (like work) to GET things ( like cars, clothes) to BE happy. If you come to think about it its spot on to where we all are in our current lives in the current society that we live in as we do all do something to get something that we think will make us happy. I know I worked hard so that I could get the nice car, the big house and the accessories that went with it – including more expenses – which had me working more and more to get to a point of just getting even on the financial front. I thought it would make me happy and I thought it would all be plain sailing from there on.

But it wasn’t. I had the nice car and the big house and I was happy there, but it also created a lot of other unthought-of problems that eventually led to my downfall of happiness, leaving me very stressed which ultimately left me unhappy. What use is having all these things when you have to work like a dog to just make the payments on a month to month basis? I got burnt out, and am actually only now starting to feel like I am recovering – a year later. Amongst many other things happening in my life I lost my self motivation self esteem and will to fight for what I believed in! It’s been the most interesting and difficult phase of my life, but I can only now see it as I am heading out of it, and away from it.

Im recovering everything on the personal level as I move forward and thanks to the support of my friends and close family, my family, have I found the patience to find my self esteem again as well as my motivation and my fight! It was during this discussion with my best friend that the seed was planted and 6 months later I now fully understand the implications of living the DO, GET, BE life. I have manifested that I need to move away from it, and I am actually succeeding, day by day.

My friend encouraged me to rather live a life of BE, DO, GET
BE – happy, and DO the things that you love (here’s passion again) as then you will GET everything you have never even thought of, and more. As with the passion discussion, its one of those topics that makes me realize that I need to be happy in what I do. Everything else is really immaterial, as we are here on this earth for such a short space of time – a blink of an eye – so the material things should not be what we are striving for but a path of happiness is the road we should take.

Another “AH- HA” moment in my life 6 months ago, made me realize what I had always preached was not how I was living. But I am a better person for it today as I have taken the time out to learn more about myself and why I did it.
I am today because of what I did yesterday.
With this knowledge in hand, I am more prepared to face tomorrow with a new zest for life, motivated and fighting all the way. I understand that I need to be happy. In fact I am happy, and should not complain and yes, there are parts of my life that are a little more challenging, but as a whole, Im happy. It’s taken me a while to get this happy smile on my heart and in my life again, but it’s been worth every step to feel like I wake up euphoric some mornings.
It’s motivating in itself to awake euphorically in the morning.

I think it’s a wise moment to look at your life and understand where you are, then let go of -the Be Do Get and look at and grasp - the DO Get Be and see how you can manifest it, allowing you to get to your passion.

Lets all Be Do Get!

Manifest it now to the universe and make the shift!

It’s highly recommended – believe me!