I found this poem to be so apt - and wanted to share it with you all:
About the poet - William Ernest Henley (August 23, 1849 - July 11, 1903) was a British poet, critic and editor.
INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
my pics
True happiness shared!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Love thyself
Aligning myself with the possibilities that are available to me ahead is in itself a great motivating factor. A week of adjusting to a new life is something that seems like such a short time and not really possible to do, but I think that the rough patch of “clearing out” over the past few months has made the transition a little quicker and easier.
I have friends and I have love in my life and I am realizing that I have fantastic memories to look back on. New memories are now in the making and new possibilities are available to everyone. My vibration levels are picking up and with that the possibilities of new manifestations are making everything seem so much clearer again in my life. Its about the energy levels that are recharged, re-motivated, re – re – re- re …..
Its still a shaky feeling but the shakiness seems to be getting better as I sleep better and have clearer concepts developing in my mind. I am able to visualize again and with that so much becomes clearer for a fantastic life of possibility and a life filled with love, friendships, family and desire. I have hope again, and I have desire to build a bright future for myself and my love.
Ive come to realize that friendship is what drives most of us. It’s the connection we have between me and you, you and me, and in all aspects we and humanity. We are all really social creatures and its that interaction between us that makes friendship lasting and enduring - although not all friendships last for a full life time. Friendship is what drives us to happiness and in reality can turn into love and even into family. In this period of turmoil I realize how lucky I am to have not only love but also friendships that are not like ships passing in the night unnoticed, unheard, or unseen; friendships that show no favor to choosing sides, but rather to be supportive of all of us as individuals. Friendships that support your decisions and encourage you to follow your own path because its these friendships that truly want for you to be happy in your core. It’s a blessing to have these friendships and I am blessed.
Ive not written everyday as Ive not really had the inclination to do so. Its been a week of adjustments and within those adjustments Ive had to work, study and basically acclimatize myself to the magnificent new life ahead of me. I have to look at all the motivating factors that push me forward and I have to be grateful to myself, to you, to the universe, to my friends, to my family, to everyone. Its not just a honeymoon phase of bliss, but a deeply felt and deeply ‘known’ sense of positivity and strength.
Somehow we are all motivating each other even if at times it does not seem to be so. Motivation comes from so many different arenas and comes in so many disguises I’ve realized. I’ve realized this through the silent motivation I felt when a friend told me this week that I was his ‘person’ that he looked up to. Here I felt that I was being a bit of a mess coming to terms with all the emotional turmoil after years of suppressing it only to find that the actions Ive taken have been an encouragement to others.
Some have called me human some have called me strong. What I do know is that Im feeling happiness inside that gives me a light that I feel shinning through my soul. I am human and I am strong. I am also real; what Ive come to realize is that facing the reality is what makes me human and is what makes me strong. There’s been a lot of hurt and there’s been a lot of growth but these lessons, both hurt and growth have obviously come when the universe felt that I was ready to deal with them. As I said earlier, my vibrations are picking up and my manifestations are becoming clearer. I know what to ask for and I know what I want.
Today makes it 14 days as a non smoker; with its own turmoil’s, its own hills to climb and its own elephants to eat. Lots of encouragement from people all around me and lots of support – but I must say its starting to make me feel different again. I don’t smell the stench on my clothes, on my breath and even on my sweat. My mouth feels like it is clean.
I believe in giving thanks. I give thanks every day and I encourage you all to do the same. Be grateful for the small mercies in life and celebrate the big ones. We cant take anything with us, so enjoy it to the max in the here and now.
Love yourself.
Now
I have friends and I have love in my life and I am realizing that I have fantastic memories to look back on. New memories are now in the making and new possibilities are available to everyone. My vibration levels are picking up and with that the possibilities of new manifestations are making everything seem so much clearer again in my life. Its about the energy levels that are recharged, re-motivated, re – re – re- re …..
Its still a shaky feeling but the shakiness seems to be getting better as I sleep better and have clearer concepts developing in my mind. I am able to visualize again and with that so much becomes clearer for a fantastic life of possibility and a life filled with love, friendships, family and desire. I have hope again, and I have desire to build a bright future for myself and my love.
Ive come to realize that friendship is what drives most of us. It’s the connection we have between me and you, you and me, and in all aspects we and humanity. We are all really social creatures and its that interaction between us that makes friendship lasting and enduring - although not all friendships last for a full life time. Friendship is what drives us to happiness and in reality can turn into love and even into family. In this period of turmoil I realize how lucky I am to have not only love but also friendships that are not like ships passing in the night unnoticed, unheard, or unseen; friendships that show no favor to choosing sides, but rather to be supportive of all of us as individuals. Friendships that support your decisions and encourage you to follow your own path because its these friendships that truly want for you to be happy in your core. It’s a blessing to have these friendships and I am blessed.
Ive not written everyday as Ive not really had the inclination to do so. Its been a week of adjustments and within those adjustments Ive had to work, study and basically acclimatize myself to the magnificent new life ahead of me. I have to look at all the motivating factors that push me forward and I have to be grateful to myself, to you, to the universe, to my friends, to my family, to everyone. Its not just a honeymoon phase of bliss, but a deeply felt and deeply ‘known’ sense of positivity and strength.
Somehow we are all motivating each other even if at times it does not seem to be so. Motivation comes from so many different arenas and comes in so many disguises I’ve realized. I’ve realized this through the silent motivation I felt when a friend told me this week that I was his ‘person’ that he looked up to. Here I felt that I was being a bit of a mess coming to terms with all the emotional turmoil after years of suppressing it only to find that the actions Ive taken have been an encouragement to others.
Some have called me human some have called me strong. What I do know is that Im feeling happiness inside that gives me a light that I feel shinning through my soul. I am human and I am strong. I am also real; what Ive come to realize is that facing the reality is what makes me human and is what makes me strong. There’s been a lot of hurt and there’s been a lot of growth but these lessons, both hurt and growth have obviously come when the universe felt that I was ready to deal with them. As I said earlier, my vibrations are picking up and my manifestations are becoming clearer. I know what to ask for and I know what I want.
Today makes it 14 days as a non smoker; with its own turmoil’s, its own hills to climb and its own elephants to eat. Lots of encouragement from people all around me and lots of support – but I must say its starting to make me feel different again. I don’t smell the stench on my clothes, on my breath and even on my sweat. My mouth feels like it is clean.
I believe in giving thanks. I give thanks every day and I encourage you all to do the same. Be grateful for the small mercies in life and celebrate the big ones. We cant take anything with us, so enjoy it to the max in the here and now.
Love yourself.
Now
Monday, July 19, 2010
A new beginning
On shaky ground I arrived in Cape Town. Shaky because so much that I have taken for granted for so long turned out to be something that I was only suppressing for just as long a period. Shaky is not a bad place to be, because I think it heightens the senses to other things that are surrounding you and making you aware of what the possibilities are, ahead.
I started with my body and my diet. The next thing on that list of mine was to become a Non Smoker; not a quitter (negative connotations that I’m trying to stay away from in all aspects) and not an ex smoker – a Non Smoker. I’m taking one bight at a time, one day at a time and albeit on shaky ground I know that someone has taken a leap of faith for me, and that is a very special sense of confidence to be placed in when I am feeling so shaky.
It’s a world of possibilities ahead now and I am going to make it work. I need to listen, not speak so much. I need to continue nurturing and not just doing because I feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, but because it makes me feel good and it makes others feel good. I feel my vibrations are starting to be clear vibrations and I think that this clarity is also helping me manifest in a better way. I feel like my intuition is helping me manifest in the right way and I think the meditation process is also making me calm my mind. My energy levels will pick up and my vibrations will improve. I go back to the saying, there are none so blind as those who do not see; I am starting to see again - and I have faith.
As with all new beginnings I think - better said - I know I will make mistakes. It’s like the process of a new born trying to touch everything discovering the senses that they elicit when touching for the first time. That same baby that starts to crawl, then stand, then walks and then runs. Each process is a shaky one and each process has countless amounts of falls before perfecting the process and moving on.
There is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and of course I most certainly feel that I have love all the way. It’s the love that gives me the strength to proceed and motivate me to succeed on this journey of mine. I am coming to terms with all the emotions that I’ve been going through and I am aware of the mess ups as well as the advances that I have made. I’m most certainly not proud of all the steps that I’ve been through but mostly they now seem to be inevitable to the way the universe is leading me.
I am grateful for the past that I have shared. I would not want to change it as I would be a different person writing if that were the case. I want to cherish those memories and look back on a past with a smile and a warm happiness in my heart. We have to move on, but move on with a good feeling, once all this turmoil has settled.
Its now time for new beginnings, new memories and new happiness’s on a journey that will make us all happy to be crossing each other’s paths along the way. Lets us give thanks for those special memories that we did have the time to share and lets look forward to the amazing possibilities that lie ahead for each and every one of us.
Let’s celebrate new beginnings together.
I started with my body and my diet. The next thing on that list of mine was to become a Non Smoker; not a quitter (negative connotations that I’m trying to stay away from in all aspects) and not an ex smoker – a Non Smoker. I’m taking one bight at a time, one day at a time and albeit on shaky ground I know that someone has taken a leap of faith for me, and that is a very special sense of confidence to be placed in when I am feeling so shaky.
It’s a world of possibilities ahead now and I am going to make it work. I need to listen, not speak so much. I need to continue nurturing and not just doing because I feel a sense of guilt or responsibility, but because it makes me feel good and it makes others feel good. I feel my vibrations are starting to be clear vibrations and I think that this clarity is also helping me manifest in a better way. I feel like my intuition is helping me manifest in the right way and I think the meditation process is also making me calm my mind. My energy levels will pick up and my vibrations will improve. I go back to the saying, there are none so blind as those who do not see; I am starting to see again - and I have faith.
As with all new beginnings I think - better said - I know I will make mistakes. It’s like the process of a new born trying to touch everything discovering the senses that they elicit when touching for the first time. That same baby that starts to crawl, then stand, then walks and then runs. Each process is a shaky one and each process has countless amounts of falls before perfecting the process and moving on.
There is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and of course I most certainly feel that I have love all the way. It’s the love that gives me the strength to proceed and motivate me to succeed on this journey of mine. I am coming to terms with all the emotions that I’ve been going through and I am aware of the mess ups as well as the advances that I have made. I’m most certainly not proud of all the steps that I’ve been through but mostly they now seem to be inevitable to the way the universe is leading me.
I am grateful for the past that I have shared. I would not want to change it as I would be a different person writing if that were the case. I want to cherish those memories and look back on a past with a smile and a warm happiness in my heart. We have to move on, but move on with a good feeling, once all this turmoil has settled.
Its now time for new beginnings, new memories and new happiness’s on a journey that will make us all happy to be crossing each other’s paths along the way. Lets us give thanks for those special memories that we did have the time to share and lets look forward to the amazing possibilities that lie ahead for each and every one of us.
Let’s celebrate new beginnings together.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Where to from here?
The openness and freeing of emotional turmoil leaves us all drained, exhausted and tired. Why is there a need to get things out into the open and why do I not just bottle it up and keep it to myself? Would I grow as a person and would I be able to be a full man by keeping all these emotions bottled up as I have for so long? I seem to be going back to the drawing board again as to how to plot my journey forward – but I do know that I want one that is true to who I am and true to the journey that I have taken.
It’s been very hard to face my own faults, holding that mirror up in the process to see what the true colour of my eyes really are. The sad and heart wrenching thing is that in the process others get hurt, and that is exactly what I did not want – but I do realize that being loved ones they want me to grown and improve, no matter how hard they themselves are hurting.
I just feel like an absolute demon making others feel like this.
My fears of facing myself and the areas in my life that need to be cleaned up are not getting easier to handle. The fears I can deal with I suppose, it’s the realization that every turn I make I land up hurting another loved one. I said the other day that there are so many facets of love, but we are all loved and we are all hurt in life while others make the changes necessary to their lives. I just sometimes wish life could be more simplified – not so many analysts analyzing so much of what we do and say, or react and do. What happened to the good old days when a psychologist was something you went to only if you seriously needed help. Then the therapist became fashionable, and I am one that believes now, that everyone should have their own therapist to deal with the rush that happens in our everyday lives.
I still feel terrible; my emotions are freeing themselves up and others are getting hurt. So I ask myself, is it all worth it?
Where do I go from here, after all the emotions are dissected, machine washed, hand rinsed and tumbled, and I land up sitting on my bed knowing that its been long overdue, yet still I feel like the recognition of my mistakes and my failures, have not been grasped by others. Only time can prove that I have learnt and that I am learning.
It’s a tough life but I’m trying to make it better. I head back to Cape Town today, single, heart sore but still not smoking after 7 days! The only thing I feel that I can be proud of myself for right now.
It’s been very hard to face my own faults, holding that mirror up in the process to see what the true colour of my eyes really are. The sad and heart wrenching thing is that in the process others get hurt, and that is exactly what I did not want – but I do realize that being loved ones they want me to grown and improve, no matter how hard they themselves are hurting.
I just feel like an absolute demon making others feel like this.
My fears of facing myself and the areas in my life that need to be cleaned up are not getting easier to handle. The fears I can deal with I suppose, it’s the realization that every turn I make I land up hurting another loved one. I said the other day that there are so many facets of love, but we are all loved and we are all hurt in life while others make the changes necessary to their lives. I just sometimes wish life could be more simplified – not so many analysts analyzing so much of what we do and say, or react and do. What happened to the good old days when a psychologist was something you went to only if you seriously needed help. Then the therapist became fashionable, and I am one that believes now, that everyone should have their own therapist to deal with the rush that happens in our everyday lives.
I still feel terrible; my emotions are freeing themselves up and others are getting hurt. So I ask myself, is it all worth it?
Where do I go from here, after all the emotions are dissected, machine washed, hand rinsed and tumbled, and I land up sitting on my bed knowing that its been long overdue, yet still I feel like the recognition of my mistakes and my failures, have not been grasped by others. Only time can prove that I have learnt and that I am learning.
It’s a tough life but I’m trying to make it better. I head back to Cape Town today, single, heart sore but still not smoking after 7 days! The only thing I feel that I can be proud of myself for right now.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Frozen
My heart is sore. Do I have a cold heart? Sometimes I wonder do I even have a heart at all.
I look at all the hurt I seem to create and I wonder -is my heart frozen?
I am feeling so fragile yet it seems the people that surround me are even more delicate and fragile than I could ever be, and all because of my doing. I’m not even sure I can explain the hurt I see in their eyes and it leaves me feeling like such a defeated soul. I have never intended to hurt anyone, yet all I seem to do is create destruction in the hearts of the ones I love. Is there a cure for this, or is the cure just to end it all for youself leaving no more grief to be created in the future for the others in our life.
I sit in a country that I call my own, while everyone is celebrating late into the night the fortune and joy of having just won their first World Cup. I hear the fireworks and all the car hooters. I hear the cheers and songs of people in the street. I hear such a sense of joy in the air and all I can wish is that it was contagious - that I could be infected with a sense of happiness.
I know my heart is not a cold one and that my heart is not frozen. How is it then that I make such bad judgments’ that do leave others hurt and me feeling soulless in the process. How much more can one soul really take before self combustion takes place freezing your heart entirely, and do I want to be like that in the first place?
For the first time ever I feel like I am taking ownership of my emotions. I am facing what I feel - but as I go along stumbling through these realizations I have also managed to hurt the two people I love. I feel like I should be saying I’m Sorry all the time, but also know that actions speak louder than words. I just wish I knew what the action was to be able to take control of it or let it take control of me first.
I think we are all feeling so exhausted individually that we tend to get lost on the way - or is it that I am the only one that is truly lost and doesn’t know his way to a better righter future. How do you show your emotions? Will I ever be able to show them completely? I’m trying so hard to do just that, show my emotions; discuss them, be prepared to share what has always embarrassed me previously or just get them out to make sure that I am able to express myself freely.
I just feel to too tired to write anymore tonight. It’s been a hectic week for all, and another one lies ahead.
I give thanks to the universe as my 1st day as a non smoker has also passed.
I look at all the hurt I seem to create and I wonder -is my heart frozen?
I am feeling so fragile yet it seems the people that surround me are even more delicate and fragile than I could ever be, and all because of my doing. I’m not even sure I can explain the hurt I see in their eyes and it leaves me feeling like such a defeated soul. I have never intended to hurt anyone, yet all I seem to do is create destruction in the hearts of the ones I love. Is there a cure for this, or is the cure just to end it all for youself leaving no more grief to be created in the future for the others in our life.
I sit in a country that I call my own, while everyone is celebrating late into the night the fortune and joy of having just won their first World Cup. I hear the fireworks and all the car hooters. I hear the cheers and songs of people in the street. I hear such a sense of joy in the air and all I can wish is that it was contagious - that I could be infected with a sense of happiness.
I know my heart is not a cold one and that my heart is not frozen. How is it then that I make such bad judgments’ that do leave others hurt and me feeling soulless in the process. How much more can one soul really take before self combustion takes place freezing your heart entirely, and do I want to be like that in the first place?
For the first time ever I feel like I am taking ownership of my emotions. I am facing what I feel - but as I go along stumbling through these realizations I have also managed to hurt the two people I love. I feel like I should be saying I’m Sorry all the time, but also know that actions speak louder than words. I just wish I knew what the action was to be able to take control of it or let it take control of me first.
I think we are all feeling so exhausted individually that we tend to get lost on the way - or is it that I am the only one that is truly lost and doesn’t know his way to a better righter future. How do you show your emotions? Will I ever be able to show them completely? I’m trying so hard to do just that, show my emotions; discuss them, be prepared to share what has always embarrassed me previously or just get them out to make sure that I am able to express myself freely.
I just feel to too tired to write anymore tonight. It’s been a hectic week for all, and another one lies ahead.
I give thanks to the universe as my 1st day as a non smoker has also passed.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The mirror effect
Its been a hell of a weekend emotionally. I was prepared for talks, I was prepared to stand my ground and I was prepared to come clean. In a flash it was augmented at just how much I needed to do it and even with my mental preparations, the tears flowed freely.
A very good friend emailed me last night to ask me why I did not confront it 5 months ago when I was faced with it. My response was fear. I realized this morning that 5 months ago I had not even begun to know that I needed a mirror. I never had the tools and I was in denial to myself about whom it is I really am. In 5 months I see that I have grown; perhaps not as much as I would like because my impatience with myself is something that I am dealing with on a different level in my psyche. But in 5 months I have started coming to terms with everything I have done and all the work I need to do to move forward.
I started with my body and I started with my diet. These were the two things that I knew I could deal with and could feel good about as I would see a physical difference and we all need a little recognition when we have a purpose. 3 months ago I snapped and 3 months ago I found the mirror and 3 months ago I started with the basic tools that many have already when they are in their teens. I cant blame anyone for who I am today, except myself, but I do realize that I have been emotionally stunted because of the emotionless upbringing that I had. It was a sink or swim situation and my survival technique kicked in and I swam, to stay alive. I didn’t have the time to worry about emotions.
As I sit here I realize how much I could have missed if the realities had not come crashing down on me like a landslide in a rocky mountainous region. I am the one to blame and I am the one that needs to fix it up. Perhaps its too late in certain areas – time will tell, but I can only try. I am coming to terms with my emotions and I am burying my fear of facing those emotions. I go back to my loves’ saying of – there are none so blind as those who do not see. My vision has been impaired for a while, although it wasn’t always, so now I sit here and I start letting the tears roll so that I can clear my vision again and look on at myself with new eyes, new hopes, new aspirations, perhaps it’s the mirror that I’ve cleaned up with my tears as well.
I feel exceptionally fragile and drained right now but I feel lighter and like I have found my first building block towards my future. As I sit here I sit here in all realities as a single man who now has a stepping stone to take a leap of faith forward and find the next stones that I can step with as I move along. The most encouraging thing is that I know I am not alone. The worst thing is that I have also somehow pulled a muscle in my gluteus and I am battling to sit normally. It is funny really, but sore.
I have love in my life and I have support from the most special people in my life. The mirror has shown me this weekend that the cleansing of the soul is the seed to creating and growing of the love I need for myself.
I’ve made a solid promise to myself to continue forward so that I can grow and flourish.
A very good friend emailed me last night to ask me why I did not confront it 5 months ago when I was faced with it. My response was fear. I realized this morning that 5 months ago I had not even begun to know that I needed a mirror. I never had the tools and I was in denial to myself about whom it is I really am. In 5 months I see that I have grown; perhaps not as much as I would like because my impatience with myself is something that I am dealing with on a different level in my psyche. But in 5 months I have started coming to terms with everything I have done and all the work I need to do to move forward.
I started with my body and I started with my diet. These were the two things that I knew I could deal with and could feel good about as I would see a physical difference and we all need a little recognition when we have a purpose. 3 months ago I snapped and 3 months ago I found the mirror and 3 months ago I started with the basic tools that many have already when they are in their teens. I cant blame anyone for who I am today, except myself, but I do realize that I have been emotionally stunted because of the emotionless upbringing that I had. It was a sink or swim situation and my survival technique kicked in and I swam, to stay alive. I didn’t have the time to worry about emotions.
As I sit here I realize how much I could have missed if the realities had not come crashing down on me like a landslide in a rocky mountainous region. I am the one to blame and I am the one that needs to fix it up. Perhaps its too late in certain areas – time will tell, but I can only try. I am coming to terms with my emotions and I am burying my fear of facing those emotions. I go back to my loves’ saying of – there are none so blind as those who do not see. My vision has been impaired for a while, although it wasn’t always, so now I sit here and I start letting the tears roll so that I can clear my vision again and look on at myself with new eyes, new hopes, new aspirations, perhaps it’s the mirror that I’ve cleaned up with my tears as well.
I feel exceptionally fragile and drained right now but I feel lighter and like I have found my first building block towards my future. As I sit here I sit here in all realities as a single man who now has a stepping stone to take a leap of faith forward and find the next stones that I can step with as I move along. The most encouraging thing is that I know I am not alone. The worst thing is that I have also somehow pulled a muscle in my gluteus and I am battling to sit normally. It is funny really, but sore.
I have love in my life and I have support from the most special people in my life. The mirror has shown me this weekend that the cleansing of the soul is the seed to creating and growing of the love I need for myself.
I’ve made a solid promise to myself to continue forward so that I can grow and flourish.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Many facets of love
I arrived safely to a very hot and muggy Barcelona. The sun is bright and the atmosphere is that of lazy European Summers, having a siesta after lunch and waiting for it to cool down to feel a little normal again. The flight felt very long but the most amazing thing is that I got to fly in the new A 380 double decker airbus from Johannesburg to Paris. It still amazes me how something so big can take to the sky with the ease of a bird that’s using its wings.
Having not slept on the flight I had time to think about what has happened in my life over the past four months of being away. I had time to see that I have grown as a person and as Charles recently said “put on your seat-belt as its going to be a hell of a journey”. I see that journey as a journey of love.
I wonder sometimes about love and I wonder about the many facets that we are faced with on a daily basis in the love that surrounds us. There are so many ways to love so many things, but the emotional let-go, I suppose, is the one that we are challenged with in the most unusual way. We love, fall in love and have love that is shared by friends and family, each type of love being unique and different. Its not that you love one more than the other, but rather just differently, and many times its miss-understood by others as to the amount of love that you share with one, or another.
How can one expect a mother, who has two children, to choose the one she loves best? We can’t, because she loves them both equally but differently. Its not something you can place you finger on, or show in a physical sense. It’s a metaphysical phenomenon that takes place within all of us. We don’t always understand things like love but we do most definitely feel them, like a wind that blows cool air on our faces when its hot. We don’t understand the dynamics of how it works but we feel the result and we know that it exists.
Ive explained a few times of the luck I have in my life of having two loves. I feel it in my heart and in my soul, I know it is there every day and every waking and sleeping moment but I can’t physically show it as one would show a beautiful diamond or a new designer jacket. I carry it with my like I carry the skin on my body. I cant help the fact that I feel like this and I cant help the feeling of hurt that wrenches out my heart when I hear that these loves of mine have moved on. I can reason with it through the mind, but that feeling of utter loss and hurt is as strong as the very love that I have that I wear with me.
I realized on the plane last night that I will never be able to explain completely what I am going through; perhaps I don’t have to. What I did realize last night is that no matter what the outcome, I will always have these marvelous feelings for the people I love. Can I understand completely the love that they have for me, as too, can they understand the utter love I have for them? Does it go back to a previous topic, of doing everything for ourselves first and feeling selfish in the process, Im not sure? I don’t want to believe that love is selfish and I don’t want to believe that we love for selfish reasons.
I do know that I am very emotional today again, very hot and feeling a mixed sense of joy and sadness, about something that I realize I have no say in – because I can only be responsible for my own life and my own feelings and yes, the love that I have for others. I know that I believe love is worth fighting for and whether it be selfish or not, it’s the rewards of having love in your life that’s worth all the turmoil we go through to get to where we are.
I am in love, I have love, I give love and I most definitely receive love.
Why then do I still feel so sad in my hearrt?
Having not slept on the flight I had time to think about what has happened in my life over the past four months of being away. I had time to see that I have grown as a person and as Charles recently said “put on your seat-belt as its going to be a hell of a journey”. I see that journey as a journey of love.
I wonder sometimes about love and I wonder about the many facets that we are faced with on a daily basis in the love that surrounds us. There are so many ways to love so many things, but the emotional let-go, I suppose, is the one that we are challenged with in the most unusual way. We love, fall in love and have love that is shared by friends and family, each type of love being unique and different. Its not that you love one more than the other, but rather just differently, and many times its miss-understood by others as to the amount of love that you share with one, or another.
How can one expect a mother, who has two children, to choose the one she loves best? We can’t, because she loves them both equally but differently. Its not something you can place you finger on, or show in a physical sense. It’s a metaphysical phenomenon that takes place within all of us. We don’t always understand things like love but we do most definitely feel them, like a wind that blows cool air on our faces when its hot. We don’t understand the dynamics of how it works but we feel the result and we know that it exists.
Ive explained a few times of the luck I have in my life of having two loves. I feel it in my heart and in my soul, I know it is there every day and every waking and sleeping moment but I can’t physically show it as one would show a beautiful diamond or a new designer jacket. I carry it with my like I carry the skin on my body. I cant help the fact that I feel like this and I cant help the feeling of hurt that wrenches out my heart when I hear that these loves of mine have moved on. I can reason with it through the mind, but that feeling of utter loss and hurt is as strong as the very love that I have that I wear with me.
I realized on the plane last night that I will never be able to explain completely what I am going through; perhaps I don’t have to. What I did realize last night is that no matter what the outcome, I will always have these marvelous feelings for the people I love. Can I understand completely the love that they have for me, as too, can they understand the utter love I have for them? Does it go back to a previous topic, of doing everything for ourselves first and feeling selfish in the process, Im not sure? I don’t want to believe that love is selfish and I don’t want to believe that we love for selfish reasons.
I do know that I am very emotional today again, very hot and feeling a mixed sense of joy and sadness, about something that I realize I have no say in – because I can only be responsible for my own life and my own feelings and yes, the love that I have for others. I know that I believe love is worth fighting for and whether it be selfish or not, it’s the rewards of having love in your life that’s worth all the turmoil we go through to get to where we are.
I am in love, I have love, I give love and I most definitely receive love.
Why then do I still feel so sad in my hearrt?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The ripple effect
I received an email tonight that questioned: could a butterfly flapping its wings, create a hurricane on the other side of the world? I think we’ve all heard a version of this question. If we kill a bee it has a disastrous effect on the earth 4 years later. If we kill all the bee’s the earth could be barren in a few short years. There are many that Ive heard, but it got me wondering, about what I call the Ripple Effect, and how it effect’s us in our everyday lives.
You see many years ago, I was excitedly planning on going to Thailand to do a job with a young talented lady. The evening before we were bound for Thailand the young lady’s mother told her she couldn’t go. I was left distraught and jobless. I met with another friend in Johannesburg who gave me a few numbers to call in Europe. I called that same day and within a week I was working and living in Barcelona, Spain. That was over 20 years ago. Today I call Barcelona my home; I have my loves in Barcelona and my family, my dogs - my home in all senses of the word.
How different would my life be today if the young lady’s mother had left her to go to Thailand?
This evening I sat with my friends in Cape Town and I was reminded of another friend (sitting with us at dinner) who, going through a questionable journey in her life herself, was wondering what to do next. On a Friday evening sitting in a local pub having a few drinks the question was asked if anyone knew of someone who could work for a friend. My friend said “I can do that”, landed the job and has just finished doing the CNN TIME WARNER FORTUNE 500 Congress, with speakers like Bill Clinton and more!
How different would her life have been these past three months if she were not in that particular pub, on that particular night?
Are our lives actually just made up of coincidences as we move along this journey we call life or are we, at times, in a different ‘zone’ that allows us to pick up on certain unforeseen events that do actually mould our lives further?
As I excitedly prepare to go home again tomorrow I sit here wondering what life lays ahead for me on this journey that I am faced with. Not the journey to Barcelona, but the next stepping stone that seems to be a metaphysical stone, placed before me by the universe, to cross another road, another river, another field of dreams. I find that life has suddenly become exciting again as I consider this concept and the ripple effect it could have on my life.
I sit here tonight being so grateful for my life. I sit here being grateful for all the wondrous turns, changes in direction and bumps that have made this journey so far, so interesting. I am grateful for the people that I have in my life, the people that I’ve lost in my life and the people who just crossed through my life.
MOST of all I sit here being grateful for the young lady’s mother who would not let her go to Thailand. Be thankful everyone – there really is a lot to be thankful for.
You see many years ago, I was excitedly planning on going to Thailand to do a job with a young talented lady. The evening before we were bound for Thailand the young lady’s mother told her she couldn’t go. I was left distraught and jobless. I met with another friend in Johannesburg who gave me a few numbers to call in Europe. I called that same day and within a week I was working and living in Barcelona, Spain. That was over 20 years ago. Today I call Barcelona my home; I have my loves in Barcelona and my family, my dogs - my home in all senses of the word.
How different would my life be today if the young lady’s mother had left her to go to Thailand?
This evening I sat with my friends in Cape Town and I was reminded of another friend (sitting with us at dinner) who, going through a questionable journey in her life herself, was wondering what to do next. On a Friday evening sitting in a local pub having a few drinks the question was asked if anyone knew of someone who could work for a friend. My friend said “I can do that”, landed the job and has just finished doing the CNN TIME WARNER FORTUNE 500 Congress, with speakers like Bill Clinton and more!
How different would her life have been these past three months if she were not in that particular pub, on that particular night?
Are our lives actually just made up of coincidences as we move along this journey we call life or are we, at times, in a different ‘zone’ that allows us to pick up on certain unforeseen events that do actually mould our lives further?
As I excitedly prepare to go home again tomorrow I sit here wondering what life lays ahead for me on this journey that I am faced with. Not the journey to Barcelona, but the next stepping stone that seems to be a metaphysical stone, placed before me by the universe, to cross another road, another river, another field of dreams. I find that life has suddenly become exciting again as I consider this concept and the ripple effect it could have on my life.
I sit here tonight being so grateful for my life. I sit here being grateful for all the wondrous turns, changes in direction and bumps that have made this journey so far, so interesting. I am grateful for the people that I have in my life, the people that I’ve lost in my life and the people who just crossed through my life.
MOST of all I sit here being grateful for the young lady’s mother who would not let her go to Thailand. Be thankful everyone – there really is a lot to be thankful for.
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