Frozen

My heart is sore. Do I have a cold heart? Sometimes I wonder do I even have a heart at all.

I look at all the hurt I seem to create and I wonder -is my heart frozen?

I am feeling so fragile yet it seems the people that surround me are even more delicate and fragile than I could ever be, and all because of my doing. I’m not even sure I can explain the hurt I see in their eyes and it leaves me feeling like such a defeated soul. I have never intended to hurt anyone, yet all I seem to do is create destruction in the hearts of the ones I love. Is there a cure for this, or is the cure just to end it all for youself leaving no more grief to be created in the future for the others in our life.

I sit in a country that I call my own, while everyone is celebrating late into the night the fortune and joy of having just won their first World Cup. I hear the fireworks and all the car hooters. I hear the cheers and songs of people in the street. I hear such a sense of joy in the air and all I can wish is that it was contagious - that I could be infected with a sense of happiness.

I know my heart is not a cold one and that my heart is not frozen. How is it then that I make such bad judgments’ that do leave others hurt and me feeling soulless in the process. How much more can one soul really take before self combustion takes place freezing your heart entirely, and do I want to be like that in the first place?

For the first time ever I feel like I am taking ownership of my emotions. I am facing what I feel - but as I go along stumbling through these realizations I have also managed to hurt the two people I love. I feel like I should be saying I’m Sorry all the time, but also know that actions speak louder than words. I just wish I knew what the action was to be able to take control of it or let it take control of me first.

I think we are all feeling so exhausted individually that we tend to get lost on the way - or is it that I am the only one that is truly lost and doesn’t know his way to a better righter future. How do you show your emotions? Will I ever be able to show them completely? I’m trying so hard to do just that, show my emotions; discuss them, be prepared to share what has always embarrassed me previously or just get them out to make sure that I am able to express myself freely.

I just feel to too tired to write anymore tonight. It’s been a hectic week for all, and another one lies ahead.
I give thanks to the universe as my 1st day as a non smoker has also passed.