Many facets of love

I arrived safely to a very hot and muggy Barcelona. The sun is bright and the atmosphere is that of lazy European Summers, having a siesta after lunch and waiting for it to cool down to feel a little normal again. The flight felt very long but the most amazing thing is that I got to fly in the new A 380 double decker airbus from Johannesburg to Paris. It still amazes me how something so big can take to the sky with the ease of a bird that’s using its wings.

Having not slept on the flight I had time to think about what has happened in my life over the past four months of being away. I had time to see that I have grown as a person and as Charles recently said “put on your seat-belt as its going to be a hell of a journey”. I see that journey as a journey of love.

I wonder sometimes about love and I wonder about the many facets that we are faced with on a daily basis in the love that surrounds us. There are so many ways to love so many things, but the emotional let-go, I suppose, is the one that we are challenged with in the most unusual way. We love, fall in love and have love that is shared by friends and family, each type of love being unique and different. Its not that you love one more than the other, but rather just differently, and many times its miss-understood by others as to the amount of love that you share with one, or another.

How can one expect a mother, who has two children, to choose the one she loves best? We can’t, because she loves them both equally but differently. Its not something you can place you finger on, or show in a physical sense. It’s a metaphysical phenomenon that takes place within all of us. We don’t always understand things like love but we do most definitely feel them, like a wind that blows cool air on our faces when its hot. We don’t understand the dynamics of how it works but we feel the result and we know that it exists.

Ive explained a few times of the luck I have in my life of having two loves. I feel it in my heart and in my soul, I know it is there every day and every waking and sleeping moment but I can’t physically show it as one would show a beautiful diamond or a new designer jacket. I carry it with my like I carry the skin on my body. I cant help the fact that I feel like this and I cant help the feeling of hurt that wrenches out my heart when I hear that these loves of mine have moved on. I can reason with it through the mind, but that feeling of utter loss and hurt is as strong as the very love that I have that I wear with me.

I realized on the plane last night that I will never be able to explain completely what I am going through; perhaps I don’t have to. What I did realize last night is that no matter what the outcome, I will always have these marvelous feelings for the people I love. Can I understand completely the love that they have for me, as too, can they understand the utter love I have for them? Does it go back to a previous topic, of doing everything for ourselves first and feeling selfish in the process, Im not sure? I don’t want to believe that love is selfish and I don’t want to believe that we love for selfish reasons.

I do know that I am very emotional today again, very hot and feeling a mixed sense of joy and sadness, about something that I realize I have no say in – because I can only be responsible for my own life and my own feelings and yes, the love that I have for others. I know that I believe love is worth fighting for and whether it be selfish or not, it’s the rewards of having love in your life that’s worth all the turmoil we go through to get to where we are.

I am in love, I have love, I give love and I most definitely receive love.

Why then do I still feel so sad in my hearrt?